1. Cricketeer was apparently a menswear brand (around in the ’70s and ’80s) that created some very…uh, interesting ads. Like this one, giving you “23 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Girl.”
2. Here they are.
1. At a really passionate moment, call her “Mommy.”
2. Tell her you owe $83,000, but with her help you know you’ll work it out somehow, someday.
3. Say you’d love to get married as soon as you’ve rid the galaxy of the Venusian invaders.
4. Call her at 4:27 a.m. on a Sunday morning and ask if she can think of a 12-letter word beginning with ‘A’ meaning ‘Before the Flood’.
5. Ask if she’d mind changing clothes with you.
6. Scratch constantly. Explain that the dermatologist says it’s not catching unless the little flakes of skin actually touch somebody.
7. Give her a 550 lb. set of barbells for an engagement present.
8. Tell her that your python is the cleanest of pets.
9. Plant a “how to avoid wetting your bed,” book in your apartment.
10. Insist that she walks three paces behind you.
11. Say that your mother, the interior decorator, must live with you.
12. Sing “Melancholy Baby” constantly.
13. Spend hours and hours showing her your voluminous stamp collection.
14. Tell her that your favorite author is the Marquis de Sade.
15. Give her a gift of mouth wash.
16. Say that while your mother and father are first cousins, you’re perfectly okay.
17. Ask her if she minds your spending one evening a week with your first wife.
18. Make a pass at her mother.
19. Her father?
20. Say that you’re 99% sure that your mother will allow you to marry her.
21. Tell her you took out large insurance policies on all your wives.
22. Rent a Rolls Royce Phantom Mk XIII, take her for a ride and ask her if she gets a kick out of doing the town in a stolen car.
23. Confess your quirk.