Kristin: To be fair, "Fuck Off" is generally how I feel about most shoes by the time I take them off, anyway.
Leo: Is it just me or do you read these shoes in a British accent? "Fuck off, dahling, now bring me some tea!"
Kristin: OK.
Kristin: Who is this model on the left? Casual Friday Cinderella?
Leo: I mean, I wore these to Versailles last week for my coffee date/guillotine consultation with Louis XIV.
Leo: Just in from Discount Life Hacks Emporium: dust mop stilettos! I'd call these Primp 'n' Mop Pumps.
Kristin: Pour one out for the Muppet who died in order to make this shoe possible.
Kristin: "Gather around, kids, let me tell you a story of the time I put on some cool shoes and ended up getting stuck in a sewer grate."
Leo: These are a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Kristin: When looking for a pair of booties to buy, I always hope for something that truly says, "Please do not compliment me on my shoes, because if you do, I will definitely make you a pair just like them for Christmas."
Leo: Kristin, let me ask you a question. Can you picture me, sitting next to a fire, sipping hot cocoa, wearing these...and nothing else?
Kristin: I can.
Leo: That's all I need to know. Thank you.
Kristin: GET A HAIRCUT, SHOE.
Leo: You know how there's always that one hair on the back of your ankle that you can never get to and it grows FOREVER? This is a footwear representation of that.
Kristin: Better hope those two S's at the top stay on.
Leo: Booze backwards is Ezoob. Hehehehhehehhe.
Leo: Cue up the Phish and hand me a Nature Valley granola bar; it's 2001 and I am ready for Bonnaroo!
Kirstin: I think Birkenstocks are a good way to tell the world, "The bottoms of my feet are currently very dirty, and if you don't like it, that's your problem."
Leo: "And smelly." No offense.
Kristin: I have a personal policy not to wear anything that looks like a bug.
Leo: How in the??? There has to be a situation in which these are incredibly problematic, right? I can't look at these anymore. I can feel a panic attack coming on.
Kristin: YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, SHOE.
Leo: These shoes come with a second floor, which is more than I can say of my apartment.
Kristin: These shoes definitely know what you did last summer, and they are pissssssed.
Leo: They are also in a fairly good position to look up your skirt. Good thing they don't have arms. Or iPhones.
Kristin: OOH GIRL I LOVE IT WHEN YOU SHOW OFF THAT SIDE-FOOT.
Leo: Someone needs to take the grommet tool away from this designer. She's had enough.
Kristin: This shoe looks like the Abominable Snowman sat down on a block of ice and is really just trying to evaluate his life right now.
Leo: Pretty sure these are made of the stuff they put in walls. What's it called? Fiberglass. So, true, they may keep you insulated. They may also give you cancer if you eat them.