49 Thoughts Everyone Has While Taking A Selfie

Just show me that you care.

1. Hey! I look cute today.

2. Hey! I am doing something super cool right now and I want everyone to know how cool I am.

3. Hey! I am somewhere awesome and everyone else is at work.

::Chooses reverse camera option::

4. Wait, what? Why does my head look like that?

5. Maybe I don’t look as good as I thought…

::Goes back to regular camera mode, stands in front of mirror::

6. Mirror selfie?

7. Eh, this kind of makes my body look weird.

::Turns camera back on face::

8. Maybe if I move my face around, I’ll look better.

9. Maybe up?

10. Nope. Down?

11. Hmmm. Side?

12. Oh, that’s OK.

::Snaps photo::

13. Nope.

::Snaps another photo::

14. Nooooo.

::Snaps another photo::

15. Eh.

::Snaps another photo::

16. Why is this so difficult.

17. How can I take this selfie without looking like I’m taking a selfie?

::Snaps another photo::

18. OK, that’s one option.

::Snaps another photo::

19. Better, but why does one eye look bigger than the other? That’s the camera, right?

::Snaps another photo::

20. This one’s OK. Now, filters…

21. Valencia? AH! No.

22. Nashville usually looks good….or not.

23. Brannan? Oh god, it looks like The Ring in there.

24. Maybe this is not in fact a good photo. Let’s start over.

::Snaps photo::

25. Better. Hefe, Nashville, 1977: No, no, no.

26. Kelvin: Ha yeah right.

27. Amaro, Mayfair. Amaro…Mayfair. Amaro. Mayfair. Amaro it is.

28. Or wait — #nofilter? Risky.

29. Let’s just go with Amaro.

30. Is this selfie going to seem like I’m way too into myself?

31. I’ve waited an appropriate amount of time since my last selfie, so I think it’s OK to post this.

32. Also, my expression captures something slightly sheepish/self-effacing, therefore this selfie is just and appropriate.

33. This will get some likes. Not that it matters. Whatever.

34. Caption? “Greetings from….!” No.

35. Think of something less obvious. Like a witty word combination or obscure/meaningless phrase. “Power clashing.” “Risky fitness.” “Denim porn.” “Afternoon delight.” “Nerd’s the word.” “Nerd turd.” “Business in the front, party in the back.” “Time machine.” “Blue Monday.” “Mommy?”

36. I’m just going to go with…”Good morning.”

37. Hey! I actually look pretty. And happy. As if I am a highly evolved, enlightened, content individual appreciative of everything on this earth that is good and beautiful.

38. Do I tag it #selfie?

39. I feel you can only tag it #selfie if you tag like three other things, too. #selfie, #girl, #face? JKJKJKJK.

40. It is possible you don’t understand selfies at all.

41. It is possible people will look at this picture and either not give a shit or think you are annoying.

42. Maybe it’d be better to post a non-selfie first to give the selfie more context?

43. Or maybe just wait until I have someone to take a selfie with, so this doesn’t seem so me-me-me?

44. If it has more than one person, can you still call it a selfie?

45. You’re probably the only one who cares about any of this.

46. Except… if nobody cares… then why do they “like” the goddamned things?

47. Because they are your friends, and they care, right?

48. Or none of this matters.

49. Fuck it.

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