1. Oh, no. I’m having a premonition. Premonitions are not a thing to be toyed with.
I can’t NOT get on that plane today. Or can I? What if today is the day there is a plane crash. Ohshitfuck.
2. Oh dear, there is a plane! So what if I am still in the car, on the ground? I still shiver with fear.
Go away, plane.
3. ALL WEATHER BAD WEATHER. Badbadbad.
No one knows how to predict the weather! It’s raining! You can’t fly in the goddamned rain! Who knows what danger is in those clouds??
4. I mean. What if this happens?
It’s going to happen. I can feel it.
5. And flying in the nighttime? Are you effing kidding me? What, like pilots have superhero night vision powers?
I think not.
6. Those air traffic controllers probably have no idea what they’re doing.
One day, one day. I’m telling you. My plane will rear end another plane on landing.
7. Oh, what, like we’re supposed to trust this guy?
Isn’t it something like one million percent of all airplane crashes are due to pilot error?
8. It is 10 a.m. and I am not nearly drunk enough to go through this.
Give me ALL THE WINES, barman!
9. Tunnel of doom. Tunnelofdoomtunnelofdoom.
These are my last steps on earth. Goodbye, earth.
10. We’re delayed due to a “mechanical issue”?!
New plane, please. This plane is broken. Broken!
11. Time for takeoff. Oh god oh god. WHY IS THE PLANE NOT FLYING YET. WHY ARE WE NOT IN THE AIR?
Isn’t there some other statistic that says like one billion percent of accidents happen within the first 20 minutes of flight? One Mississippi, two Mississipppppiiiiiiiii, threeeee…
12. NOW WE ARE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING AIR. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE.
Please no bumps, please no bumps, please no bumps.
13. This is entirely way too high up for humans to ever be.
It’s unnatural! UNNATURAL, I SAY.
14. Oh, great, clouds. That definitely means it’s about to get bumpy. FUCK YOUUUU TURBULENCE.
Also, I hate you, Wright Brothers.
15. I want my mom. If I ever make it off this plane I will never screen her calls ever again.
Let us pray: Baruch atah adonai….airplanes.
16. Oh god oh dear lord, is that thing on the wing supposed to do that? Should I tell someone?
Something is definitely wrong. This is not right. Not one bit.
17. Let’s try to calm down with some in-flight entertainment. What movies are there….Shark-fucking-nado?! Showing movies with plane crashes ON PLANES should be illegal.
Are you effing kidding me?
18. What was that noise? This is it, oh GOD THIS IS IT WE ARE GOING DOWN I AM SURE OF IT.
Why is no one else freaking out?
19. Oh shitballs why the fuck is it so bumpy. This is not good.
Maybe if I ask nicely, the woman sitting next to me will hold my hand? Do it, ask her. Ask her…now. Ask her……….now. Ugh.
20. Best case scenario: I am the sole survivor of this plane crash and I live out the rest of my days on a desert island with Wilson.
Except we are flying over land, not water. Shit.
21. Do the flight attendants look worried? That one lady seemed vaguely concerned, right?
Maybe that’s just the way her face is. I get that.
22. Oh great, back into the clouds of despair.
At least it’s final descent. Oh god. “Final.” Do not say that word. Do not say it. Hee-hoo, hee-hoo.
23. Almost there. I’m gonna make it! Soon I will be free from this flying metal tube of fear!
OK, fine, it’s just a flying metal tube.
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›