1. That you could bathe in any room.
Just more mess for you, Cinderella. And what, you don’t even have to towel dry your hair or take it out of a bun? I’m so confused.
2. That you could create a flower crown this easily and it’d look perfectly uniform.
Not even Coachella flower crowns look like that.
3. That you could make a bra out of seashells.
A) This just doesn’t work. B) Your mother would have thrown a fit. C) Your dad would have cried.
4. That you could make out without smudging your lipstick.
Where was Snow White keeping her stash of Revlon color-stay lipstick? Huh?
5. That you wouldn’t think twice about a man with a ponytail.
I suppose Belle would be very happy living in the era of the Man Bun.
6. That your hair would actually look good blowing in the wind.
I don’t think sooOOoooOOooooO.
7. That a trip to the shoe store would always be this elegant.
If only we all had size 3 feet. Damn you, CINDY!
8. That you could meet a boy like this and it’d be romantic.
Not at all rapey. Not one bit.
9. That your hair could exist as one uniform-seeming piece.
See how it all moves together? But how? What products are you using, Alice? Caterpillar serum?
10. And that you could style your bangs so that they all fall in one piece, too.
11. That this is what you wore when you were poor.
Now on sale at Urban.
12. That you could use pools of water as mirrors.
Tried it. Nope. Doesn’t work.
Stoppp itttt pllllleeeeeaaase.
Cuz I still really want water mirrors in my house.
13. That you could wear earrings that large without getting a headache.
I can literally feel the pain of my earring hole stretching to the ground.
14. That you could toooootally cut your own hair.
Tried it. Had to wear pink for a year because people thought I was a boy.
15. That all dresses would have petticoats under them.
Ugh. I do not have ONE petticoat in my life and I am very bitter about it.
::Googles “petticoat stores los angeles”::
16. That your hair would grow down to your butt.
I mean, maybe with time. But it definitely wouldn’t be as thick as Princess Jasmine’s. Bitch.
17. That you would always feel this sexy and beautiful when admiring yourself in the mirror.
You gotta hand it to Tink: Girl has unreal confidence.
18. That you could wear a mini-skirt on a windy day and not worry about it blowing up and showing your panties to the world.
I mean, really, Pocahontas.
19. That eyebrows were just naturally this thin.
Threading? Waxing? Plucking? There’s gotta be a beauty salon in that little town of yours.
20. That you could perfectly remove ALL of your makeup from EXACTLY half your face with your sleeve.
21. That friendship would always come before romance.
More like, whoops, we already boned. Now we r friendz?
22. That your free time would look like this.
Although, now, come to think of it, sitting around in a lagoon all day waiting for Peter Pan (of all boys!) to come talk to you … seems pretty lame.