The "Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead" Guide To Getting A Job

Class of 2013, this is for you.

Phase 1: Get Motivated

In order to appreciate the richness of working life, you must first completely burn out. Spend some time giving the world a general “ugh.”

Don’t go straight into your chosen career. Get a supremely shitty job first. Then take satisfaction in quitting it.

Phase 2: Search and Apply

Now set out on your search. Cast your net wide.

Get a book like this one that will tell you how to write a resume.

Write your resume.

Or just copy the one from the book. Whatever.

When you go in for the interview, dress for the part. (Hint: briefcase.)

Phase 3: Settling Into Your New Career and Learning the Ropes

Congrats! You have a job. Now act like it. OWN THAT SHIT.

Every boss will have her quirks; just do whatever she asks.

Master complicated faxing technologies.

And learn the computers.

You may feel overwhelmed at first. Don’t be! Just do one thing at a time.

Or find someone else to secretly do your work for you.

Phase 4: Getting Ahead and Moving Up the Ladder

Put in long hours. You may have to work nights.

When your boss puts pressure on you…

…just know that she’s probably just taking out something else on you. She probably just needs to vent.

If you want to get ahead, know how to command a room.

And show off your creativity.

Be sure to produce work that’s fun and fresh.

Phase 5: Win

Do all this and your boss will love you!

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