The "Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead" Guide To Getting A Job

Class of 2013, this is for you.

Phase 1: Get Motivated

In order to appreciate the richness of working life, you must first completely burn out. Spend some time giving the world a general “ugh.”

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Don’t go straight into your chosen career. Get a supremely shitty job first. Then take satisfaction in quitting it.

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Phase 2: Search and Apply

Now set out on your search. Cast your net wide.

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Get a book like this one that will tell you how to write a resume.

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Write your resume.

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Or just copy the one from the book. Whatever.

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When you go in for the interview, dress for the part. (Hint: briefcase.)

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Phase 3: Settling Into Your New Career and Learning the Ropes

Congrats! You have a job. Now act like it. OWN THAT SHIT.

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Every boss will have her quirks; just do whatever she asks.

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Master complicated faxing technologies.

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And learn the computers.

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You may feel overwhelmed at first. Don’t be! Just do one thing at a time.

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Or find someone else to secretly do your work for you.

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Phase 4: Getting Ahead and Moving Up the Ladder

Put in long hours. You may have to work nights.

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When your boss puts pressure on you…

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…just know that she’s probably just taking out something else on you. She probably just needs to vent.

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If you want to get ahead, know how to command a room.

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And show off your creativity.

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Be sure to produce work that’s fun and fresh.

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Phase 5: Win

Do all this and your boss will love you!

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