The 6 Most Messed Up Candies Of The ’90s

For all the blue-tongued children of America. posted on

1. Push Pops

What: A cylindrical lollipop with resealable packaging and the tagline, “push a Push Pop, save some for later!”
WTF factor: There are a myriad of issues with this sticky finger candy. The biggest being that once a child has coated something multiple times in his own saliva, he should not be allowed to save it. Nor should he be allowed to conveniently secure it in his pocket, which Push Pops implored you to do thanks to the clip feature on that plastic cap. Oh, and they were pretty phallic, so there was that, too.

2. Spice Girls Lollipops

What: Chupa Chups’ Spice Girls-branded lollipops.
WTF factor: These Spice Girls candies managed to turn the lollipop into an accessory for ’90s girls. It was mainly Baby Spice whose image created the influence; the lollipop was a necessary component to her schoolgirl character. Naturally, Baby Spice fans followed suit, sucking on these things as cutely as possible at all hours of the day. Which didn’t seem at all porno-esque.

3. Bottle Pops

What: A baby bottle-shaped package with a lollipop top and sugar powder-filled base.
WTF factor: It’s hard to remember whether we were drawn to these obviously demented snacks because it was “fun” to pretend to be a baby or if we thought they were quirky. Either way, a kid sucking on a blue raspberry nipple is an unsavory sight. What was just as nasty was the powder element — you’d lick the top, dip it in the powder, lick, shake, dip again. At some point that powder was basically the same thing as the inside of your mouth.

4. Ring Pops

What: Jewel-shaped hard candies attached to a plastic ring base.
WTF factor: Thank you, Ring Pop, for giving Gen Y girls completely ridiculous expectations about the size of their future engagement rings. We now already resent our fiances, and can do nothing about it because you so cruelly implanted the idea in our nubile young brains so many years ago.

The Ring Pop Predicament:
1) It is supremely messed up that this little girl is a), in a relationship and b), excited about a Ring Pop proposal.
2) Later, when she is proposed to for real, the ring will not measure up to the Ring Pops of her youth.
3) And yet, should her grown-up fiance present her with an actual Ring Pop — the root of her desires — his proposition would be met with inconceivable rage.

5. Spin Pops

What: Themed battery-powered devices that made lollipops spin.
WTF factor: America’s youth had gotten so lazy, we required a machine to do the work of consuming a lollipop for us. Here marks the beginning of our decline into total sloth-dom.

6. Charms Blow Pops

What: Oversized lollipops with a chewing gum center.
WTF factor: Aside from the term “Blow Pop” being just two letters away from another way to say “fellatio,” these lollipops were a saccharine contradiction. Gum and hard candy — two things that just should not be combined.

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