1. Extremely Hungry Barbie
Back story: After reading the New York Times best-selling diet book, Don’t Eat!, Barbie begins a slippery slope into a dangerous world of dieting. That Barbie has body issues has always been a given, it’s just that now with the 1965 Slumber Party Barbie, we can see where it all began.
Worse yet: “Slumber Party” would imply she wasn’t doing this alone, but with friends.
2. Knocked-Up Midge
Back story: It’s happened a million times before. Things get all hot and heavy and neither of you have protection, but you’re all, fuck it. Well guess what, people: dolls can get pregnant, too. It happened to Barbie’s friend Midge.
Worse yet: When you’re a pregnant doll you pretty much stay pregnant. Forever.
3. Bad At Math Barbie
Back story: One of the handful of phrases Teen Talk Barbie could say was, “Math class is tough!” proving the age-old stereotype that blondes are in fact the dumbest people on earth.
Worse yet: The other thing she liked to say was “Do you have a crush on anyone?” People got really tired of answering this question.
4. Burger Flipping Barbie
Back story: Otherwise known as Minimum Wage Barbie. After failing 9th grade algebra twelve times, Barbie drops out of high school. Barbie’s friend said her cousin Chad is the nightshift manager at McD’s, so he manages to get Barbie a part-time job working the grill. She eventually moves up to cashier.
Worse yet: See #2, Extremely Hungry Barbie.
5. Poop-Shoveling Barbie
Back story: After Chad comes onto Barbie one too many times at McDonald’s she finally quits and attempts to launch a dog walking business. The best part of her day is transferring that dog’s turds into that cute wastebasket.
Worse yet: Cargo capris.
Even worse: Wide leg cargo capris.
6. Floozy Barbie
Back story: To compensate for her lack of self-confidence, Barbie begins using her powers of seduction to escape the world around her. Kissing is her thing.
Worse yet: When the lipstick runs out … then what?
7. Nip/Tuck Barbie
Back story: Things start looking up for Barbie when she’s miraculously accepted to med school (apparently University of Phoenix online college has one of those) and becomes Plastic Surgeon Barbie in 1973.
Worse yet: Deep in her heart, Barbie knows that fixing others’ imperfections won’t heal her own.
8. Tanorexic Barbie
Back story: Naturally, like any perfectly toned woman, Barbie needs the perfect golden shade to match. (Nevermind that she’s now a doctor and knows the dangers of sun damage.) She’s addicted.
Worse yet: In the running for the next season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
9. Tries-Too-Hard Barbie
Back story: Just another day in Barbie’s constantly changing life. She says she’s trying to “find herself,” but we all know she’s got a borderline multiple personality disorder.
Worse yet: The “rapping.”
10. Easily Entertained Barbie
Back story: Not technically a type of Barbie, but this “Wash & Watch” set has incredibly disturbing implications. One being that she enjoys loading the dishwasher. Another — even weirder — that she likes emptying it.
Worse yet: She likes to watch.
- The Taliban has appointed Mullah Akhtar Mansour as its new Afghan leader.