Pretty Woman was released in 1990, when we were just 5 years old. The “we” in this scenario being Leonora and Erin. We decided to re-watch the film, now that we’re both in our late 20s, and old enough to actually understand that Edward (Richard Gere) and Vivian (Julia Roberts) are indeed boning.
We both have daddy issues now.
3. Before re-watching the film, we said what we remembered:
Leo: I legitimately cannot remember when I saw this movie.
Erin: Me either. I mean, I must have been young? I think I saw it playing on TV. I saw the TBS version of Pretty Woman.
Leo: Yeah, it makes it hard to define its influence on me. There’s definitely an influence. It feels weird, actually.
Erin: I remember all of the men in this movie being very mean, like Richard Gere’s business partner hits her.
Leo: Do you think it gave you ideas about women?
Erin: No, not really. To be honest, I just thought that Edward and Vivian were having fun sleepovers where she got to eat strawberries and was very sexy.
Leo: That sounds about right.
Leo: How is it that Richard Gere was, like, a silver fox in the ’90s and is still one now? Like, I don’t think you’re allowed to have silver fox status for several decades.
Erin: He’s like Steve Martin, eternal silver fox.
Leo: Yeah, but Steve Martin was never attractive.
Erin: Woah. Strongly disagree.
Leo: This is very “I’m an angry male” of Richard Gere. He’s broken up with his girlfriend and has to blow off steam by driving angrily. Do you know how to drive a stick?
Erin: Kind of, like I think I was taught once. My dad wanted me to know how to drive a stick, and so he taught me once, and then I promptly forgot.
Leo: Yeah, I don’t know how to drive a stick, so I don’t know how anyone could just hop in this car.
Erin: The car would be really jerky.
Leo: Like, especially driving through the Hollywood Hills. That’s a death wish.
Erin: I think Julia Roberts is the only one who could rock this look.
Leo: What is that dress? I swear — you can pretty much buy that exact dress at Nasty Gal. Which, I don’t know what that says about today’s youth. To be fair, I don’t think hookers actually look like that???
Erin: I guess I think hookers look like all of us, really. Any of us could be hookers.
Leo: I don’t know if that’s super egalitarian of you or just a poorly informed view.
Erin: Only when I moved to Los Angeles did I understand that Richard Gere picks up Julia Roberts in Hollywood, and then they drove to Beverly Hills, and how long that would take.
Leo: Ha! Good point. That would have been one long, awkward conversation.
Erin: Yeah, like, I’m glad they cut off the usual first date small talk of, “So, you like… stuff?”
Leo: Also: WHAT DOES “CORNERING ON RAILS” EVEN MEAN??
Erin: It sounds bad? Is it bad?
Leo: So, here’s what I don’t get. They go into the hotel and automatically everyone seems to know she’s a hooker, but the thing is…does she really look that crazy? Like I said, you can get that dress at Nasty Gal.
Erin: OK, firstly, what the hell kind of store is named, ‘Nasty Gal’? And yes, I’ve seen a lot of girls on Melrose dressed like that. Oh my stars, this proves my point, hookers are ONE OF US.
Leo: I think for the sake of political correctness and respect to our fellow sisters, we probably shouldn’t be using the word “hooker.” We should call them prostitutes. No. We should call them sex workers.
Erin: OK… sex workers are ONE OF US.
Erin: Do you know that when I first saw this as a kid, I thought those condoms were gum? I really wanted that gum.
Leo: Awww, Erin.
Erin: I just remember lollipops looking like that!
Leo: So young and innocent you were! Speaking of, how old is she supposed to be?
Erin: I don’t know. Julia Roberts never really looked young.
Leo: Agreed. She’s always come off as a woman.
Together: A pretty woman.
Leo: Oh god, oh god. This part makes me so uncomfortable. He’s giving her a creep stare like, “Now’s the part where you do your job.”
Erin: Me too. Eeee!
Leo: Ack! And there’s so much going on! There’s the I Love Lucy, and then she tries to kneel but reaches for a pillow for her knees. There’s just too much weirdness. Oh my fucking god.
Erin: Richard Gere is kind of a fucking creep. Just watching. Waiting for his sex.
Leo: Do you think they did it?
Erin: I hope not.
Leo: I feel it was just a b.j.
Erin: My Julia would never do that!
Leo: I know there are feminist arguments to be made about this movie, but there is something nice about a man who’s like — sit down, eat, ya know, I’m concerned.
Erin: This makes me think that yes, they did have sex. Because, like, baby girl is tired and needs some nourishment. And now I’m upset.
Leo: She’s about to go shopping on Rodeo! I feel excited for her! Ugh, this is my dream. Oh wait — except it gets so sad.
Erin: Yup, they’re playing with your emotions here.
Leo: This must be a really good movie, because I’m feeling a lot of things.
Erin: It is a really good movie.
Erin: THESE BITCHES and their straight hair. It’s just not fair.
Leo: Mean Girls 1.0.
Erin: This is so awkward, like, why do you have to go down to the lobby in a robe? Can’t you put on clothes?
Leo: Yeah, get some pajamas, lady! OH! Wait, I remember what happens after this…
Erin: Oh no, oh no, oh no!
Leo: Sex! On the piano! This is…[completely distracted]…pretty…[distracted]…hot.
Erin: But like, I feel weird about this. He just talked about his dead dad, and now they’re gonna bone. And what if one of the innocent hotel workers walks in?! Also, how is his penis going to reach her? Does he have the world’s longest peen?!
Leo: Uh huh. What?
Erin: OK, now this is my shopping fantasy.
Leo: Yes, this is amazing.
Erin: I just want someone to give me their credit card, basically.
Leo: This is the best day ever. There’s shopping AND pizza.
Erin: That big black hat is just everything… it’s everything.
Leo: Classic moment! BIG MISTAKE. HUGE! This is gonna sound fucked up, but I almost want someone to be mean to me so I can get back at them in some amazing Pretty Woman fashion.
Erin: I just hope you get a truckload of money, and then you can pay someone to be mean to you, and then yell back at them. This is a complicated dream, isn’t it?
Erin: Oh my god. Richard Gere.
Leo: Have you seen American Gigolo?
Leo: Oh my god, you have to see it. He’s a prostitute in that movie and is shirtless all the time. It’s a really bad movie. But also really good.
Erin: Taking a bath with someone is never really this sexy. But, like, Richard Gere is fucking sexy. Also, I cannot say his name without saying his full name: Richard Gere.
Erin: OK, I forgot how many dates they go on. Like, holy shit.
Leo: Yeah, pretty jam packed little week.
Erin: And they flew all the way to San Francisco — why not go to the LA opera?
Leo: I wonder what opera they’re seeing? I bet there’s a prostitute in it.
Leo: It’s La Traviata, and yes, it is about a prostitute.
Erin: Looks like Pretty Woman is getting a little on the nose, huh?
Leo: Ugh the business scenes are so boring! I wish this movie was like, all shopping scenes—like an hour of that—and then the sex.
Erin: Yes, no one gives a shit about how Edward makes his money. And I think I’d like more of a shopping to Richard Gere shirtless, but no sex, ratio. I don’t know why, but I don’t want to watch Vivian get violated in any way. She can just take nice baths with him, and that would be fun to watch.
Erin: Oh my god this scene, this is going to kill me to just watch it.
Leo: It’s pretty unfair of George Costanza to get angry at Julia for changing Richard Gere’s business deal. Like, why does he care so much about the deal? It’s not his money, right? He’s just Edward’s employee…oh, right, it’s because he has a penis.
Erin: I think he’s shorter than me.
:::George Costanza slaps Julia and then tries to rape her:::
Together: Oh no! Why? Stop This! Oh thank God, Richard Gere came and fixed everything.
Leo: Do you have chills and shivers right now? Because I do!
Erin: I’m a puddle of sweat, I’m sweating.
Leo: No! Not sweat! Chills! Thrills! And more!
Erin: I think I’m hungry. I didn’t get much to eat for lunch. The chills will set in soon.
Leo: This makes me feel better about living in L.A.
Erin: Because you’re a pretty woman, and you might be swept up by the man of your dreams man in a limo?
Leo: A) Thank you, and B) No, I have the man of my dreams and he drives a sensible Ford! No, it made me feel good about living in L.A. because maybe my dreams will come true, too. Thank you, Julia Roberts. I love you.