If Disney’s “Beauty And The Beast” Were Told Honestly

How about let’s be NO ONE’S guest.

1. In provincial France, a teenage girl — Belle — yearns for more than small town life.

You will never see this girl use the hashtag #blessed.

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2. And yet her dreams are as good as dog poo because she is tied down by her elderly father.

Belle knows she couldn’t handle the guilt of leaving her dad behind. So she just has to wait until he dies.

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3. Belle talks A LOT about how her only love is reading. Everyone thinks she’s weird, which is just … weird.

Everyone is clearly on crack if they think this girl is odd but whatever moving on.

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4. Yes, life is truly a struggle here. Belle is constantly sexually harassed by Gaston, a steroid junkie with the good looks of a B-list reality TV star. His hair is perfect.


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5. Belle is lonely. But you can’t really blame her when the town is full of basic bitches.

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6. Belle’s father, an “inventor,” gets lost on his way to a fair, where he’s hoping his invention takes first place. But now he’s lost in the woods and going to miss the fair and that’s pretty crucial considering his entire livelihood was riding on this.

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7. He trespasses and breaks into a nearby castle where he meets a cursed, talking beast, who’s automatically like, “I hate you, dickhead. Get in my dungeon.”

Way harsh. Beast’s daddy issues are a whole other story.

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8. Belle goes searching for her dad, and finds him locked up in the castle. When the Beast refuses to let him go, Belle offers to take her place as his prisoner.

Oy. Oy yoy yoy.

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9. Belle agrees to stay in the Beast’s castle FOREVER. She soon finds that it is filled with walking, talking objects. This is the most normal part of the movie.

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10. Although she leaves behind all her belongings, the castle is well equipped with amenities, notably an ample supply of women’s clothing, which would presumably include underpants. They were just lying around in a drawer.

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11. Beast obviously had no idea what he was signing up for in looking after a DIFFICULT woman. He’s gonna need an attitude adjustment.

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12. Because brosef has some serious anger management issues.

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13. Belle then violates the Beast’s only house rule: SHE GOES INTO THE MOTHERFUCKING WEST WING.

And it does not go down well. What did you think was gonna happen??

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14. Then, when she tries to flee the castle, she’s surrounded by rabid wolves, and Beast is like, “I’ll save you.”

Which is proper.

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15. Meanwhile, Town Rapist, Gaston, is concocting a plan in which Belle is forced to marry him. At age 16. And he is clearly like one million years old in Disney Years.

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16. Back to the castle: Belle has decided (??) to stay, and she and the Beast start to become … friendly.

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17. So friendly, in fact, that they pass a romantic evening together, Belle clad in a gown the color of Butterfingers.

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18. Feelings begin to develop. You could cut their sexual tension with a knife.

At this point, Belle has most certainly entertained sexual thoughts about the Beast.

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19. It’s all working out just fine until Gaston, Two-Time Winner of the Regional Douche Award, brings the town to the castle.

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20. If we’re being truly honest here, Gaston, Part-Time Gorilla, has waged this whole war just because he has a small penis and is afraid people will find out.

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21. Nearly dead from the fight with Gaston — Baby Eater and Panda Murderer — the Beast lies helpless in the rain. Belle realizes she does indeed love this animal.

~Simultaneously suppresses thoughts of oh my what would our babies look like?~

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22. But! Because it is true love, Belle breaks the curse, and the Beast regains his human form. And turns out he is definitely bangable.

So, maybe you knew what you were doing all along?

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23. And they lived happily ever after. Moral of the story: You can’t choose who you love.


Belle, after sex with the Beast: Hey, remember that time you were a wild animal and I almost agreed to be completely yours?
Beast: Heh. Yeah. LOL.

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