12. February: The Month of Being Miserably Cold and Alone
Seriously, February is the absolute worst. It is a freezing, bleak, no good, very bad bitch of a month. Also, it has Valentine’s Day placed squarely in the middle of it, making lonely people feel lonelier and people in relationships scramble to prove their love. Gross. February’s only saving grace is that mercifully it only has 28 days, but even that is 28 too many.
The upside: It is Black History Month and has President’s Day, both of which wish they were celebrated in other months.
11. January: The Month of Lost Dreams
Oh, January, ye of false hope. For centuries, humans have looked to you to as a source of renewal. And yet this month inevitably is a perpetual reminder of man’s imperfection: the inability to make it to the gym beyond the one time you go on Jan. 2. With the holidays over, January brings little revelry and ushers you into the doldrums of winter. So screw that shit, you know what I’m saying?
The upside: The first week is a wash in terms of getting any work done, so you can slack.
10. August: The Month Where You Sweat Through Everything
Did you know August is Latin for “too gawdamn hot”? Ugh, just thinking about August makes me crave a Slurpee, which would probably melt in a minute since it would be BLAZING outside. August is also the month that most people go back to school, which is justification enough to hate it for all eternity.
The upside: You see a lot of movies in August just to escape the heat, so there’s that.
9. April: The Month That Thinks It’s Spring
April is but a mere tease. With all those “showers” — you call yourself a spring month? You think you’re soooo important because you can let everyone run around in shorts and flip-flops one day, but then sentence them to galoshes the next? Worst of all, this month of meteorological ambivalence begins with the worst “holiday” of them all: April Fools’ Day. And then there’s tax day. I mean, seriously?
The upside: Passover, anyone? Easter? Or there’s April 29: National Shrimp Scampi Day.
8. March: The Month of Erin Go Barf
Still. Cold. March is like the ending to the Lord of the Rings movies, where you think it (the cold) is over, but no, it just keeps going. Also, no other month has a warning associated with it, i.e., “Beware the Ides of March.” Yay for foreboding dates!
The upside: St. Patrick’s Day, which should be called Universal Amateur Drinking Day, but hey, green beer.
7. June: The Month That Takes a While to Get Going
June is an exciting month if you’re still a student because, in the immortal words of Alice Cooper, “school’s out for summer.” But as for the rest of the world for whom “school’s out forever,” we have to pretend to be happy about being indoors all day long.
The upside: It’s at least the beginning of the summer!
6. November: The Month of Roomy Pants
Ah, Thanksgiving. You make this month worth all the trouble of cold, awkward silences with estranged family members by having the best dinner spread of the year. Plus, since November is the kick-off of the holiday season, spirits are usually high.
The downside: Black Friday (and now Black Thursday) has officially taken over and ruined what was once a nice, long weekend. Although, I did get Turner and Hooch for a dollar, so really, what’s there to complain about?
5. May: The Good-Tempered Month
May: The only month that actually feels like spring. May: The month of carefree and sort of unmerited freedom. May: The month with a long weekend.
The downside: Allergies.
4. July: The Month of Fun
July is summer. Summer is July. It is prime vacation month with the best warm weather of the year, and Fourth of July is the best party of the year because it lasts all day. July is the time when a beer by the pool is all you need and when you seriously consider moving to a part of the world where weather like this never ends.
The downside: TV sucks and the best vacation spots are more expensive, but whatevs, that’s what Netflix and water parks are for.
3. September: The Back-to-Stuff Month
September is kind of like the better January because it’s a month of new beginnings but with WAY less pressure. And September’s “new beginnings” can be translated loosely. Like, you start doing yoga again. Or start writing your novel. Or you just buy a new notebook you never end up using. Whatever. In terms of weather, it’s kind of the best of both worlds: summery at the start and fall-y at the end.
The downside: You still want it to be summer. And it’s not summer.
2. December: The Month of Everything
Duh? All the holidays are off and poppin’, sucka! Hanukkah at the beginning, then followed by Kwanzaa and Christmas. And to cap it off is New Year’s Eve. What could be bad with this month?
The downside: Traveling is horrendous. You spend way too much money. New Year’s Eve is usually disappointing. Other than that, it is a fabulous month.
1. October: The Month of YAAASSS
October is the best month. Why, you ask? Because: pumpkins, sweaters, foliage, getting to say the word “foliage,” apple picking, “fun-size” candies, Halloween (Halloween haters, just pretend you didn’t read that), cozy warm drinks (including Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes). I love you, October.
The downside: Columbus Day. Are we really still celebrating this?