A Cautionary Tale About Dating "Sesame Street’s" The Count

Oh, he does love thee and he WILL count the ways.

1. Your first date starts off innocently enough…

After all, you’re Susan Sarandon, so life is good. But the night starts with a hiccup: the car breaks down in the rain, and so you and The Count must knock on the door of a nearby house. The Count is trying his best to lighten the mood.

2. And you’re thinking, “Okay…maybe this will be a cute first date story.”

3. You do three knocks and all of a sudden, he’s very upset.

4. So you let him do his thing…this is getting a bit weird.

5. Dude. Won’t. Stop. Counting.

6. Great. Another freak.

7. You’re starting to think signing up for online dating on might have been a mistake…

8. But you give him a second chance because when Liam Neeson played The Count in the movie version of his life, it was oh-so-sexy. (Skip to 1:30.)

9. You find that The Count — unlike most men — begins to open up to you. He tells you about his childhood, and you begin to understand him a little bit better.

10. Plus, he does have that sexy accent. And at first, it’s kinda cute that he greets you like this each time.

11. Even on the phone. You tell him he doesn’t have to do that.

12. The 56th time he does it, you begin to lose your shit. But now you’re in this thing. You even canceled your membership to

13. And because things are heating up, you’ll forgive his OCD tendencies…

14. Until you realize there are things he will inevitably count…

“1, 2! 2 boobies!”

15. And you discover that you can’t keep up with his — ahem — “style.” Maybe if you stick it out for a few years, he’ll calm down.

I count slowly, slowly, slowly getting faster
Once I’ve started counting it’s really hard to stop
Faster, faster. It is so exciting!
I could count forever, count until I drop

16. Except you find out that was only the beginning of some weird bedroom shit.

17. And this whole “counting your snores” thing was cute in the beginning, but it’s becoming really annoying.

18. He’s horrible at his day job and when he gets fired — yet again — all he talks about is counting the number of times he’s been fired. Having a serious conversation with this man is impossible.

19. And every time he runs out of things to count, you have to deal with his nervous breakdown.

20. And he has a wandering eye. But you knew this all along: you’d never come first. Which is why you need to end this. NOW.

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