THE SLOTH never sets his lineup by game time, and is such an easy meal for predators that it’s hard to figure out why there are any of them left alive in the wild.
THE PIGEON hangs out on the wire all day, scavenging scraps and showering the league with droppings.
THE STINK BUG releases a constant stream of insultingly crappy trade proposals. Go away, Stink Bug. Nobody wants your dumb three-for-one trades.
THE VULTURE always drafts right before you and always takes the pick you wanted. Thought you were pretty smart because you were about to take Giovani Bernard in the seventh round? CAW CAW! Not so fast. Oh, look! DeAndre Hopkins is available in tenth round… I’ll just CAW! CAW! Sorry, bro. Well at least I can wait until the twelfth round and take Zach Sudf…CAW! CAW! CAW! GET OUT OF HERE VULTURE I HATE YOU.
THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER is enthusiastic and loyal, and will almost exclusively draft players from his hometown team, even if he lives somewhere horrible like Buffalo, NY.
THE SHARK is reasonably docile until there’s blood in the water… but it can detect an injured, struggling team from miles away. Pity the owner who has a key injury right before Game Day or is desperate for a bye-week fill-in, because the Shark has been mercilessly devouring such prey for millions of years.
THE CICADA hibernates all season after the draft and does nothing with his team. Scientists have trouble explaining why he comes back, year after year, to participate in yet another meaningless ritual.
THE HORSESHOE CRAB has not evolved in a billion years. He still brings his Fantasy Pick booklet to the draft, even though everything is computerized now. You can pretty much guarantee that his first pick will be the hottest quarterback from five years ago.
Wait, THE PLATYPUS isn’t your friend? I don’t know him. How did he get in the league, anyway? Oh, right. He’s Karen’s friend from work who agreed to join when Tyler dropped out, but then Karen had to drop out too… damn, that guy’s kind of a weirdo and now we’re stuck with him.
THE LEMMINGS show up every season having done no research at all, just happy to be there, blissfully taking Aaron Hernandez in the fifth round and congratulating themselves on the sleeper pick. Bye bye, lemmings! Thanks for playing.