1. Use nachos as bait.
No fantasy football obsessive can resist nachos. That is just science. Once you have them away from the computer, gently lead them away from fantasy with a series of segues like this:
1. How’s your team doing?
2. Speaking of fantasy football, have you seen the newest episode of The League?
3. Speaking of Nick Kroll, how good was the newest episode of Comedy Bang Bang?
4. Speaking of Comedy Bang Bang, let’s bond over our growing annoyance with Scott Aukerman for a while.
And boom. You’re talking about something besides football.
2. Leave one of these bad boys lying around.
Then j/k him right away, but you’ve certainly got his attention.
IMPORTANT NOTE: This trick works best if a woman pulls it on a man. If a dude leaves a positive pregnancy test lying around, he will also get his girlfriend’s attention, but the aftermath will be trickier.
3. Run around the house in football gear (and only football gear).
For bonus points —if you think you can pull it off— get all sexy and murmur things like, “Let’s go for it on the 4th down.”
4. Enlist hackers to create an alternate reality.
This one isn’t as hard as it sounds. There is simple code available online that will allow you to edit webpages to make them say whatever you want. The trick is to a) have several sources back you up and b) convince a couple of your boyfriend/girlfriend’s league-mates to leaves voicemails like, “WTF how did Obama cancel the NFL.” They’ll go along with it because it’ll give them a competitive advantage. Sure, the ruse won’t last, but your significant other will be impressed by how much trouble you went through just to get their attention. Maybe. It’s worth a try.
5. Have a superstar athlete call their cell phone.
Sure, your boyfriend won’t listen to you. But will he listen to former heavyweight champion Larry Holmes? You bet he will. Larry Holmes, who once defeated Muhammad Ali, has maybe kinda fallen on some hard times lately and for just $20 he will make a personal phone call to that special football obsessive in your life… and inform them that they need to spend more time with you. This will definitely succeed.
6. Stage a blackout.
This works best if you know someone at the power company, but if that isn’t possible, or if for some reason you feel bad shutting down a whole city, then you can mess with the circuit breakers in your basement no problem.
No electricity means no internet, and no internet means no fantasy sports. Luckily you’ll still be able to see because you happen to have all these candles set up near the dining room table / bed / wherever.
7. Small-scale identity theft.
Pose as other members of their fantasy league and leave messages for them announcing a weeklong moratorium on roster moves. You may have to guess a few passwords, but if you need help enlist a friendly hacker. And friendly hackers aren’t that hard to find: You’d be surprised what the Reddit / 4chan community is willing to do just for the sake of a good prank.
8. Trap them in a wonderful dream world and never let them go.
This one also takes a little preparation, so do it on the weekend when your partner is deep in the Football Hole. Construct a life-sized candy village somewhere they won’t see it… like outside or anywhere that’s not right near a computer or TV. Then wait until they go to sleep. Get in a trippy costume, wake them up just when they hit REM sleep. Lead them to the candy village and convince them that they’re merely having an incredible lucid dream. They’re in a whole different fantasy now — CandyWorld. Make sure they have an amazing “dream,” then get them back to sleep. Hurry up and dispose of CandyWorld by the time they wake up.
For bonus points, leave a gumdrop on their keyboard the next morning for the perfect it-was-all-a-dream-or-WAS-it mindblow.
9. If all else fails, fake your own kidnapping.
If that doesn’t get their attention, you’re probably with the wrong partner anyway.
Or it’s the playoffs.