The Year After College Graduation (And The Two Possible Futures)

So you just graduated college! Here’s what I’ve found post grad life is like so far, and what I hope it becomes. Good luck!

1. You get your diploma, and you can do anything.

2. But then it sinks in that college is actually over.

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4. You have some friends who get jobs right off the bat.

5. You tell them “OMG CONGRATS YOU DID IT!”

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6. But maybe you talk about them behind their backs with your other unemployed friends.

7. So you move back in with your parents but you’d rather be in residential housing with your friends again.

8. Your parents just have a lot to say about everything…

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9. and you realize something.

10. So you start applying for jobs like a fiend.

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11. Months go by and you don’t hear back from anywhere.

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12. You look for literally anything else to do in your free time.

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13. You generally stop caring for a little while,

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14. and then you do a lot of this,

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15. and you watch a bunch of these,

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16. and maybe you decide,

17. You see commercials like this

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18. and say things like, “IT’S A FREAKING TAPE MEASURE. WHO MADE THIS AND WHY DO THEY HAVE A JOB?”

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19. You tell everyone that if you get one more rejection email you’re going to lose your mind, and you find yourself frequently saying, “I just, I can’t.”

20. You try everything, and maybe you even start praying.

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21. NOW HERE’S WHERE I’M GOING TO GET A LITTLE INTERACTIVE.


Look, Buzzfeed. I’d really love to work for you. As you can see, my life hasn’t exactly been thrilling lately. What you’re about to see are two possible futures. This first series is what will happen if you hire me. The second series is what could happen if you don’t hire me.

22. FIRST SERIES

23. I will apply for my dream job at Buzzfeed.

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24. I’ll find out I HAVE AN INTERVIEW.

25. Then after I crush each and every round, you will give me an offer and I’ll humbly take it without hesitation and be THIS happy—

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26. I’ll move to LA, where my new job is located, which has been my dream for years. Seriously. I mean, this is where Ellen lives.

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27. I’ll start at the office and love my life every day you let me come work for you.

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28. At first I’ll be known as “that new weird girl in the office who made that desperate community post to get hired,” and be accused of doing things like this in my spare time—

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29. But I’ll win everyone over with my wit and charm.

30. And then I’ll help create content that everyone will obsess over.

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31. SECOND SERIES


NOW HERE’S WHAT COULD HAPPEN IF YOU DON’T HIRE ME.

32. I will apply for my dream job.

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33. I’ll find out that I didn’t get it.

34. I’ll throw my computer out of my window and accidentally hit someone walking by.

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35. I’ll go to jail for assault with an electronic device, and be known as “that crazy Buzzfeed girl.”

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36. There will be an SNL skit entitled “That Crazy Buzzfeed Girl.”

37. I’ll never get to move to LA, because I’ll have dropped dead in prison when I realize I’ll never be able to hack it with these modern day inmates.

38. Buzzfeed will have to deal with a huge backlash because “The Crazy Buzzfeed Girl” will have dropped dead in prison and no one will really understand the whole story, because who’s really keeping up at this point?

39. And then Buzzfeed will go bankrupt.

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40. SAVE BUZZFEED. SAVE MY LIFE. SAVE A POOR PEDESTRIAN FROM ASSAULT WITH AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE. DON’T GIVE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE ANY MORE MATERIAL.

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41. All you have to do is hire me.

Disclaimer: I am not an alcoholic, as some of these pictures may have suggested. I am also in no way dangerous. I just have a colorful sense of humor. Believe it or not, this was just a work of fiction. The job I’m applying for suggested the applicant post on the community feed, so I did this. It was probably the most fun I’ve had all week.

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