1. Her lifestyle crushes dreams.
Carrie, there is NO way you can afford to live in your tres adorable apartment on EAST 73RD STREET, afford to splurge on tres cute clothes and shoes that you insist on namedropping every time we get a glimpse of your closet (shoutout ROBERTO CAVALLI AND PRADA), and afford to go party with your gay husband and girlfriends anytime you please (if you have ever been to NYC, you know one cosmo usually cost around a ridiculous $15, not including bartender’s tip.) I’ll give it to you, Carrie, that you make around $4.50 a word, a lot more than most of us worthless freelancers, and you sold some books here and there, and you get a nice stipend for your column….BUT SERIOUSLY?!?!? YOUR LIFE. IS. UNREALISTIC. And it is unfair to trick trendy, young, aspiring writers into thinking they can live your life. “And so I wondered,” why would the SATC writers be so cruel as to portray something unreal knowing all young women who were planning on storming the big apple Carrie Bradshaw style dreams would be crushed?
2. She is the last person I would ask for advice on love.
Carrie is the common denominator in all of her failed relationships. Who wants to read a dating column written by someone who cheated on the most adorable, kind and handsome man (who not to mention loves dogs)? Carrie, Aidan was the best you ever had, and you ain’t never getting him back! Carrie treats her boyfriends like one of her articles that’s been killed. She also gets mad about the STUPIDEST things and is way too judgmental. She also expects all of her boyfriends to be mind readers. Last but not least, she likes Mr. Big. Ew, enough said.
3. Carrie is NOT. stylish.
Most of the time I see Carrie, I am not gushing with love for look or green with envy for her clothes. Most of the time, I am WONDERING, “What the hell were you thinking when you bought that.” Carrie dresses like some sort of flora. She also insists on having her stomach showing 86 percent of the time. WE GET IT, YOU’RE SKINNY. She also wears things I would find in my five-year-old cousin’s closet like furry shoes and sparkly purses. She also wears belts around her stomach with tied-up farmer-girl shirts and maxi-skirts. I can go on forever, but you get it.
4. Self righteous+selfish+bad listener=bad friend.
Remember that one time Carrie stormed into Charlotte’s apartment demanding to know why Char didn’t offer to lend her money to buy her apartment back from Aidan? KARMA IS A BITCH CARRIE, and so are you. You are a 35-year-old woman and your poor friend Charlotte is going through a divorce and can’t have children…selfish much, Carrie? Also, anyone else notice when her and Miranda are having their ice-cream-eating, street-walking, wind-blowing talks, Carrie always manages to turn Miranda’s comments into a way to steer the conversation toward herself? She also can be seen coloring, rolling her eyes or making jokes of her friends problems.
5. Carrie is just plain overdramatic.
There are too many times Carrie’s shrieks, eye rolls and “OMAGADS” have been unnecessary, but some instances speak measures beyond the others. How about when she met Aidan’s girlfriend after her and stalked her through NYC just to justify her breakup and find out why she gave her a dirty look? Seriously, who. cares. Or that one time when Carrie threw a fit about her break-up post-it to Berger’s friends in the club? Remember that one time Carrie had a panic attack in the ugly wedding dress and made Miranda rip it off her? WHAT KIND OF CRAZY PERSON WOULD HAVE A PANIC ATTACK ABOUT MARRYING JOHN CORBETT. Carrie Bradshaw would. Enough said.
6. Carrie… STOP WONDERING.
If I had a penny for every time Carrie “wondered” something. Stop wondering and start getting your shit together.