1. Singing the ‘ABC’ song whenever you need to alphabetise something
I guess it’s good to use something I learned when I was 3, but I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be
2. Fixing things just enough to stop them breaking right this second
If there’s no water coming out, it’s fixed. Pouring water, that is. Dripping is fine.
3. Cracking up as soon as you’re not allowed to laugh
Big meeting? Solemn remembrance? Friend having life-changing epiphany and re-assessing every action they’ve ever taken? CLASSIC COMEDY.
4. Hitting ‘Reply All’ on an email accidentally
Somehow, it only happens when you’ve gone really snarky with a response
5. Ordering in take-out, despite having time and food to cook with
BRB, getting Pizza
6. Zoning out without realising you’re actually staring at someone
They’re either uncomfortable that you’re trying to flirt, or uncomfortable that you don’t function in human society.
It’s the second one.
9. Screwing up a handshake/high five/fist bump/any sort of greeting
We should have talked about it first. That would have been less awkward.
10. Using a North West South East mnemonic to figure out which subway train you should be getting
If they’d start putting more useful destinations on the signs it might help. Who knows where a train ends up?
11. Not being able to at least fake the ability to play sports
The key is always being far away from the ball, but very vocal about your desire to be near to the ball
13. Wearing incredibly impractical clothes for the purposes of fashion
It’s possible they don’t actually look that good anyway
14. Spending too much time on the internet
3AM at a keyboard is the new 11PM at a party
16. Forgetting other peoples names
Or at least, not being able to bluff until someone else says it
17. Forgetting how to spell basic words
Actually, pretty much any words. There’s nothing worse than when spellcheck can’t even work out what you’re trying to say.
18. Being distracted by your phone while out in the world
Trees aside, you should probably just talk to people
19. Insisting on your own awesomeness in the face of all evidence
Keep quiet about how awesome you are instead, and let other people tell you so you can fake being humble