1. I would never have to tell him to check his privilege:
“If you’re white and you don’t admit that it’s great, you’re an ASSHOLE!”
2. He totes gets the feminist plight:
“How do women still go out with guys when you consider the fact that there is literally no greater threat to women than men… We’re the worst thing that ever happens to them.”
3. He puts his hands up on behalf of all men who suck at sex:
“She’s not needy, she’s HORNY! Because you did NOTHING for her, you did absolutely nothing!”
4. He owns this t-shirt:
I’ve genuinely spent copious amounts of time imagining us as a couple where ‘Possum’ is my nickname for him. I have a serious problem.
5. His honesty about how gross he is kinda turns me on:
“When I had boxers on for some reason I always had just water… Like a quarter cup of water just sloshing around my asshole all the time.”
6. Seriously, he has no shame, it drives me wild:
I would let him eat a Cinnabon off of any part of my body and cover me with “jizzy hot syrup”.
7. Neither of us can handle pot #soulmates:
“At one point I realised I gotta get outta here because the air is hitting my arm weirdly and they can tell, they totally know that I’m not handling the way that air is touching my arm right now.”
8. We also both enjoy irrationally hating basically all people:
“You know when you’re at the bank and you’ve got nothing to do while you’re waiting in line so you just pick people to hate… “Ugh look at his shoes, what a fucking asshole, ugh look at that piece of shit, I hope he dies today, oh God I hate him, I HATE HIM… Yeah, fill that out you fuckface, fill it out, yeah, you filled it out, I knew it, you SUCK!”“
9. He completely sucks at life and clearly needs me to help him:
I would gladly put his socks on for him everyday with my teeth/tits (I’ve been practising).
10. He’s AWESOME at rocking out in a car:
Ugh, as if I just wrote ‘rocking out’. The things you make me do, Louis.
11. But mostly because THIS, FOREVER AND EVER:
“I don’t think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train. We were on this train and you were holding my hand. That’s the whole dream. You were holding my hand and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you… I was brought into existence to know you and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back? It’s like, greedy.”
This exists. It’s the greatest declaration of love EVER. And he wrote it. And I can close my eyes and pretend that he’s saying it to me. And I know that it’s not real but if we can’t pretend that the people on TV/in films/books are real then what do we have? WHAT DO WE HAVE?!?!
NB: If anyone would like to help make my dream of going to New York and proposing to Louis CK come true, I would welcome contributions/information as to where I can “bump into” him. Kickstarter coming soon. Kthxbye.