If NFL Teams Put On The Hogwarts Sorting Hat
It's like Quidditch...minus the magic.
Gryffindor
Giants – I’ve sorted the football Giants into the Gryffindor solely for their last two
Super Bowl victories over the New Slytherin Patriots. David Tyree’s helmet catch was the equivalent of pulling the Sword of Gryffindor out of the Sorting Hat.
Saints – New Orleans’ recovery from Hurricane Katrina had the entire country rooting for the Saints in the 2010 Super Bowl. And the unlikely hero who no one wanted, Neville... er, Drew Brees, was the toast of the town.
Broncos – Come on. You know the Mannings are the Weasley family of the NFL, and Peyton is Ron, the sidekick who spends the entire series fighting the Dark Lord (the Patriots).
Chiefs – Kansas City hasn’t won a Super Bowl since 1969, but the Chiefs always seem to have a fan favorite. Derek Thomas (James Potter, anyone?), Tony Gonzalez, Dante Hall, Jamaal Charles…
Raiders – Oakland has seen better days, but so had pre-Harry Gryffindor. The league is much more fun when they’re good, they just need a spark to get things going.
Colts – Is there a player more like Hermoine in the NFL than Andrew Luck? Smart, nice (too nice?), talented. Andrew Luck was totally born to Muggle parents, too.
Packers – In the smallest professional sports town, Green Bay defies the odds year
after year when they topple the giants of the NFL.
Ravenclaw
Jaguars – They’ve played more like Hufflepuff in the past few years, but if two-tone helmets and swimming pools in the stadium don’t say “Uric the Oddball-style quirky,” I don’t know what does.
Buccaneers – Complicated team history, much like Ravenclaws: Started with one of the worst seasons in NFL history (winless in 1976), but won a Super Bowl in 2002. Small fan base and offbeat identity changes have led them to Ravenclaw.
Titans – Formerly the Houston Oilers, the Titans move to Nashville in 1998 cemented them in Ravenclaw. The team has been marked by largely pedestrian play (outside of a magical season in 1999). .
Falcons – Football is king in Georgia – college football, that is. That leaves the Falcons with a disjointed fan base despite some memorable playoff runs.
Panthers – One of the newer franchises in the NFL, the Panthers are still growing their fan base. But with a Super Bowl appearance in 2003 and a dominate defense, they seem to know what they’re doing, Ravenclaw style.
Rams – The Rams are a football team in a baseball town. Despite boasting one of the best teams in NFL history with the “Greatest Show on Turf” of the early 2000s, they play third fiddle to the MLB’s Cardinals and the NHL’s Blues.
Cardinals – The Cardinals have been in the NFL since 1920, but you would never know it by looking at them. The franchise has bounced around to three cities before landing in perhaps the most Ravenclaw city of all: Phoenix.
Texans – As the NFL’s newest franchise, there may be as many Cowboys fans in Houston as Texans fans. While they haven’t made a Super Bowl yet, Houston has
won two divisional titles in recent years.
Hufflepuff
Browns - Cleveland is home to the “Dawg Pound” some of the NFL’s best fans. Too
bad they haven’t seen much good football in the past 15 years. Add “The Drive,” “The Fumble,” “Red Right 88” and a heartbreaking move to Baltimore in 1994, Browns
fans might be the most tortured in the NFL. But, like any Hufflepuff, they handle the downs with grace and dignity. Sometimes.
Bills – You have to be a loyal fan (and unafraid of toil) to sit through a meaningless Bills game in December. And with four straight Super Bowl losses in the early ‘90s, Bills fans know a thing or two about heartbreak.
Vikings – Minnesota also has four visits to the Super Bowl with nothing to show for
it. Add in Morten Andersen’s missed field goal in the 1998 NFC Championship and
Brett Favre’s (the Cedric Diggory of Minnesota) pick in the 2010 NFC Championship....so close, yet so far.
Lions – Much like the city of Detriot, the Lion had their heyday in the early 20th Century. Detroit has won four NFL championships, but none since 1957. Since then,
they’ve made the playoffs just 11 times. That can’t be fun for the few people left in the city.
Jets – Have you watched a Jets game in the last three years?
Eagles – To quote Mac from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”: “Philly fans are
brutal, man.” But only two Super Bowl appearances and dozens of playoff disappointments, they’re usually not happy fans. Loyal, but not happy.
Bengals – The Sorting Hat could have easily put the Bengals in Ravenclaw, but after
four straight first-round playoff losses, their destiny has been sealed with Hufflepuff.
Redskins – Daniel Snyder is the Helga Hufflepuff of the NFL. Since he’s taken control of the franchise, he’s blown millions on has-been free agents, refused to change the franchise’s racist nickname, and alienated a passionate fan base.
Chargers – The Chargers are one of four teams that have never reached a Super
Bowl. Not that they haven’t had opportunities: they franchise was marked by a
number of underachieving teams in the early ‘80s and the 2000s.
Bears – The Bears won a Super Bowl in 1985, but they haven’t really done much
outside of that. They often underperform in the playoffs, and have only been to one other Super Bowl…and Rex Grossman was their quarterback.
Slytherin
Cowboys – Easily the most evil team in the entire NFL. Any team that claims an entire country as its fan base? Such a Slytherin move.
Patriots – Shrewd and cunning…am I describing Slytherin or the New England Patriots? From their Bill Bellichick’s absurdly uninformative press conferences, to SpyGate, to their puzzling trades that always seem to work out, to the “Patriot Way” to this week’s “Ball-ghazi”…should I keep going? Seems kind of "Chamber of Secrets-y" to me.
Steelers – Like Slytherin in the House Cup, the Steelers have a model of consistency. Pittsburgh has had just three head coaches since 1969, and has racked up a league-high six Super Bowls…and their fans have been pissing people off with their towels the entire time.
Ravens – The Ravens rose to power after assembling a powerful defense, assembled entirely of Death Eaters. Come on, Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Terrell Suggs…they’re all totally Death Eaters.
Seahawks – There’s some good in Seattle: Russell Wilson, for example (the Snape of the league, I guess you might say). But players like Marshawn Lynch, Richard Sherman and Brandon Browner are all “love them or hate them” type of players.
49ers – The Niners ruled the ‘80s and ‘90s, making plenty of enemies along the way. And what’s really on Colin Kaepernick’s arm? A tribal tat, or the Dark Mark?
Dolphins – The Dolphins could have been sorted into any number of houses: They played like Hufflepuff during the Dan Marino era, and have played like Ravenclaw ever since. But the Dolphins legacy will always be their 1972 undefeated season. Every team ever since has been trying to knock them off.
Become a Community Contributor.
