"I'm a total wino." — I buy the two-buck chuck at Trader Joe's.
"We're talking." — We texted for more than an hour yesterday.
"I'm the social media expert at work." — I have the Twitter password.
"I don't mind my job, but I'm not sure I see myself there long term." — I fucking hate my job.
"I'm so old." — I went to bed at 9 p.m. one time.
"I really need a night in." — I can't stop watching this show on Netflix.
"I'm so broke." — I can't afford the clothes I want after going to the bars last weekend.
"I'm taking a break from social media." — I haven't been on Facebook in a day.
"I'm really into cooking." — I made mac 'n' cheese last night.
"I went grocery shopping." — I bought some Oreos, wine, and cheese.
"I would LOVE to be in your wedding." — Are you going to pay for this shit?
"Everyone is getting married and I'm just getting more awesome!" — I AM SO ALONE.
"How's the wedding planning going?" — Is there going to be an open bar or not?
"I need a vacation." — I really want to get drunk on a beach.
"I'm dating around." — I had four matches on Tinder.
"We should really get coffee sometime." — I hope we never get coffee.
"I have commitment issues." — I don't have a boyfriend but I have my wedding planned out on Pinterest.
"I just haven't found anyone that cool yet." — I'm waiting for my favorite Twitter celebrity to notice my favs.
"I feel like Girls isn't that accurate." — I am terrified at how accurate it is.
"I really need to clean this weekend." — I'm out of underwear so I should do some laundry.
"Congratulations on the pregnancy!" — Thank god that's not me.
"I'm having a mid-life crisis." — My student loans have started coming in.
"OMG I cannot function without coffee." — I have a social life that makes me tired, OK?
"I'm soul-searching." — I can't find a job.
"I'm just not into labels." — I don't know what we are so I'm just going to avoid the question.
"I'm really trying to take better care of myself." — I went to one yoga class.
"I think I'm an adult now." — Holy shit, does someone have a manual for this? I have no idea what I am doing.
