1. When they tell you that their baby is smart:
Your baby literally can’t even talk.
2. When they tell you their baby is potty trained:
Cool. I’ve been going to the bathroom on my own for two decades now. Come talk to me when they have a real accomplishment.
3. When they tell you that their baby said its first words:
“Mom” is not an impressive word. Let me know when the baby can figure out something with more syllables.
4. When they tell you that their baby has started to walk:
What, like it’s hard?
5. When they upload pictures of their baby to Facebook every single day:
Your baby looks the exact same as it did yesterday.
6. When they ask when you are planning on having a child of your own:
I’ll let you know when I decide to stop having fun.
7. When they tell you that you don’t know what you’re missing out on:
I know I’m missing out on shit and puke, that’s enough for me.
8. When they spend loads of money on a trip for their baby:
1) Your baby can’t talk and 2) your baby won’t even remember this vacation. Take me instead.
9. When they tell you that their children are different than other children:
Does your child cry? Doesn’t seem that different to me.
10. When they tell you that their child is well-behaved:
Oh, that explains the temper tantrum in Target.
11. When they tell you their baby is just tired:
I don’t cry when I’m tired. Your baby is being dramatic.
12. When they tell you they can’t imagine their life without a baby:
Just imagine fun.
13. When they tell you that you have to watch the video of their baby:
No I don’t.
14. When they tell you that their kid is just being shy:
What if I hid and cried every time you brought your baby around? That’s not shy that’s rude.