1. “Oh really, you saw yourself as a Sporty Spice? I would’ve pegged you as more of a Scary …”
It is NOT cool to question a ’90s girl’s former choice of Spice Girl identification. If she says she is Baby Spice, Posh Spice, or what have you: SHE IS THAT SPICE.
2. “Mall Madness was totally superficial.”
No it wasn’t. It taught you valuable things like money management. And how to power-shop a sale.
3. “Cher was like, so, annoying.”
4. “I can’t believe anyone actually wore anything from the Delia’s catalog.”
It’s all I wore and it’s all coming back. Brace yourself.
5. “Your Tamagotchi probably went to Hell. And it is still there. Hating you every day for murdering it.”
What, and yours is smiling at you from Tamagotchi Heaven?
6. “Gwen Stefani looked horrible with braces. I can’t believe she went out in public like that.”
OR: She was awesome for not giving a shit.
7. “Jack Dawson isn’t even hot.”
I can’t even.
8. “Dream Phone was a dumb game.”
It was literally the funnest game ever and I am still planning my wedding to Dan. You are no longer invited.
9. “You were totally Annie.”
NO I WASN’T I WAS HALLIE.
10. “No, Sassy was not the best teen magazine ever.”
11. “I think this Hard Candy nail polish is just as cool as the ’90s version.”
You clearly have no idea what Hard Candy even is.
12. “Lisa Frank products were SO UGLY.”
You clearly have no taste.
13. “Girl Power is an anti-feminist idea that capitalized on naive girls and their allowances.”
It’s a valid form of feminism. Sort of. But you wouldn’t understand.
14. “I see you as more of a Dawson girl. Definitely not Pacey.”
15. “Mary-Kate and Ashley were like not even that entertaining.”
I beg to differ. But also consider that they were like the richest 11-year-olds ever and are now awesome businesswomen. Dualstar forever!
16. “Leo’s performance in Romeo + Juliet was horrible.”
What is wrong with you.
17. “TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’ song makes my ears bleed.”
Then I guess you’re a guy who definitely can’t get no love from me. BYE.
18. “You had an American Girl doll? Your parents probably spent half your college fund on it.”
WHAT IS YOUR POINT EXACTLY? Money well spent.
19. “I mean, was the tree house from Now and Then really all that great?”
It was amazing and no I have not personally been inside it but shut up please I do not like you.
20. “Cory and Topanga’s relationship was totally unrealistic.”
21. “Body glitter never looked good on anyone.”
UM, you obviously didn’t see me in the ’90s. Rocked that shit.