1. Bikini bottoms are approximately 3 inches of fabric, which means you have to groom A LOT in order to avoid looking like you’re hiding a troll doll.
2. Bikinis basically have zero support for your best friends. (Your boobs)
3. If you try to give yourself some support, you end up exposing some serious underboob which isn’t pleasant for anyone involved.
4. And if tops DO have support it comes in the form of 9 inches of padding, which is just excessive, and now your boobs are at your chin.
5. But if you go sans padding you have some serious nipples showing and the 2 centimeters of fabric won’t hide it.
6. You have to be constantly aware of your side boobage and make sure it doesn’t turn into nippleage.
7. In order to make sure your top doesn’t come crumbling off, you have to double knot your top which results in A SORE FREAKING NECK. So painful yet necessary.
8. And in order for your bottoms to stay on while participating in any sort of activity, you have to suffocate your hips.
9. Forget trying to swim. Jump in a pool and down go your bottoms and to the side goes your top.
10. And the lack of support makes it incredibly difficult to move so you are forced to walk slowly toward the ice cream truck instead of dashing to get the firecracker.
11. And the minute you step foot into the ocean a wave will certainly wash away your bathing suit along with your dignity.
12. Bikinis are basically hell for anyone with boobs on the smaller side. There is nothing to compensate.
13. It’s impossible to get bottoms and tops that are both right for your body shape because, SHOCKER, not every woman is shaped the same.
15. Many bikinis become transparent when wet which is perfect because who SWIMS while wearing a SWIMsuit am I right?
16. While wearing a bikini, you are practically naked yet expected to be self confident.
18. There’s a serious saggy butt and saggy vagina syndrome with bikinis these days.
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