What Scandal Will Erase This Year’s Final Four From John Calipari’s Resume?

If I were a betting man — and I am — I’d put my money on Kentucky’s 2012 Final Four appearance being scrubbed from the record books five years from now. Here are a few guesses as to why. posted on

University of Kentucky coach John Calipari has reached four Final Fours over the couse of his career, spread between three different schools: the University of Massachussetts, where he got his head-coaching start; the University of Memphis; and the Kentucky.

The best part about all this? The NCAA recognizes only two.

—UMass’ Final Four season in 1996 was vacated because star center Marcus Camby accepted tens of thousands of dollars in gifts from sports agents.

—Memphis’ 2007-08 season was vacated because all-world point guard Derrick Rose had someone else take the SAT for him and Memphis allowed his brother to travel with the team to games for free.

Coach Cal was never formally implicated in any of these controversies, but COME ON. As the old saying goes, where there’s smoke, there’s a douche. And Calipari’s Final Four appearances with Kentucky haven’t been vacated yet, but give it time. Here are a few ideas why they might disappear from Cal’s resume not too long from now.

(Also, real quick, how hilarious is it that the NCAA does this whole charade of vacating seasons and wins after the fact? Pretty hilarious, right? Like that means they never happened. They need one of those flashy things from Men in Black so they can actually make people forget about them.)

JEFF HAYNES / Reuters

Guesses As To Why Kentucky Will Have To Vacate Its Final Fours Under Calipari:

1. Kentucky never formally hired Cal, and he’s still on the payroll of the New Jersey Nets.

2. Brandon Knight taught classes while he was at Kentucky instead of attending them. And the University offered him tenure in the Physics department.

3. Ashley Judd gave the players orange slices before a game, and the NCAA rules it an illegal gift.

4. Kyle Wiltjer is only 11 years old.

5. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist played in the 2012 NBA season under the name “Gerald Wallace” while also playing for the Wildcats.

6. DeMarcus Cousins.

7. Cal promised Terrence Jones he’d be named the Swiss Secretary of State following his NBA career.

8. Mike Krzyzewski thought it would be funny.

9. Anthony Davis’ unibrow turns out to be fake.

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