1. Bradley Beal
Alternate career: Brilliant but troubled mathematician who, while a student at Princeton, makes advances in differential equations that can only be unraveled by his own paranoid schizophrenia. Writes on windows.
2. Tyler Zeller
Alternate career: Retired CIA agent who is forced to bring his very specific set of skills back into use when his daughter is kidnapped by terrorists demanding a ransom.
3. Harrison Barnes
Alternate career: Maligned substitute teacher who takes over when the permanent teacher dies in a freak gasoline fight accident, then wins the trust and hearts of his students and leads them to the Iowa State Debate Championship.
4. Damian Lillard
Alternate career: Eccentric gentleman who sets off on a cross-country adventure to find his beloved bike after it’s stolen from him by, I don’t know, bandits. (I’ve never seen Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.)
5. John Henson
Alternate career: Crotchety, sweater-wearing television father who branches off into selling Jell-O pudding before becoming an emblem of old folk who don’t understand the kids these days.
6. Dion Waiters
Alternate career: Singing, dancing failed actor who instead becomes a teacher and helps his school start a Glee club that joins the popular kids and lovable losers together and teaches everyone a bunch of valuable lessons until a bunch of them get pregnant.
7. Michael Kidd-Gilchrist
Alternate career: Token black guy in the “[BLANK] Is My Anti-drug” commercials.
8. Meyers Leonard
Alternate career: “You’re gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.”
9. Andre Drummond
Alternate career: Guy who has an alien pop out of the big circular shadow on his chest.