1. Mister Alexander, LB, Houston Texans
When you have the option of going by Mr. Mister Alexander, and your name allows announcers to say, “Mister Alexander sacks Curtis Painter!” then congratulations: you’ve made the world a better place.
2. BenJarvus Green-Ellis, RB, Cincinnati Bengals
Nicknamed “the Law Firm” thanks to his name — which sounds like it belongs to four people at once — BJG-E also has made a strong career for himself after going undrafted out of college.
3. Richie Incognito, OL, Miami Dolphins
Hard to go INCOGNITO when you’re a 300-pound professional football player, but forgive Richie for trying.
4. Champ Bailey, CB, Denver Broncos
What better name can you give one of the best football players in the world than “Champ”?
5. Captain Munnerlyn, CB, Carolina Panthers
O Captain! My Captain!
6. Mike Kafka, QB, Philadelphia Eagles
I’m a lit nerd, so this name makes me incredibly happy. Also made better by the fact that “Mike” might be the least Kafkaesque first name in existence.
7. Ras-I Dowling, CB, New England Patriots
A rookie with the Pats last year — this picture is of him at the University of Virginia — Ras-I Dowling wins the “Most Likely to Be a Character in a Sci-Fi Novel” award.
8. Bryan Anger, Punter, Jacksonville Jaguars
In addition to being a PUNTER WHO WAS DRAFTED IN THE 3RD ROUND (lololololol), Mr. Anger is known as Mr. Anger. Makes him seem way tougher than the average punter.
9. D’Brickashaw Ferguson, OL, New York Jets
If you don’t think that being given the name D’Brickashaw at birth means that you’re a future NFL lineman, then you don’t believe in destiny.
10. Rex Hadnot, OL, Arizona Cardinals
There are the hads, and there are the Hadnots.
11. Sage Rosenfels, QB, Minnesota Vikings
There’s something beautiful about being a professional football player with not one but TWO types of flower in your name.
12. David (Dave) Thomas, TE, New Orleans Saints
David Thomas may be a perfectly ordinary name on its own. But because it was once held by a scion of American business — you know, the guy who founded Wendy’s and starred in all those commercials — it has a certain weight of awesomeness.
13. Robert Griffin III, QB, Washington Redskins
Can you name any other NFL players who are so-and-so the third? Exactly.
14. Sav Rocca, Punter, Washington Redskins
Not sure what it is, but there’s something about the name Sav Rocca that is intensely ridiculous and great. The mental images of Mo Rocca playing football certainly don’t hurt.
15. Chad Ochocinco, WR, New England Patriots
Chad Ochocinco makes the list because he’s the American Dream of awesome names: if you aren’t born with an awesome name, go out and get one for yourself.