The Adventures Of Tim Thomas During His Year Off From Hockey

The world is his conservative oyster!

Stanley Cup-winning, President-snubbing Boston Bruins goaltender Tim Thomas has announced that he’ll sit out next season to “reconnect with the three F’s. Friends, Family, and Faith.” In honor of the mustachioed goalie’s decision to find himself, I came up with a few possible adventures that might appeal to him.

2. Campaign for Pat Buchanan to be the first United States Sheriff-in-Chief.

After refusing to go to the White House to meet Barack Obama, Tim Thomas firmly established his conservative bonafides. And who’s more conservative than 19th-century holdover Pat Buchanan? Working in tandem to bring Wild West discipline back to a lost America, the pair would become red-state superheroes.

3. Model worldwide the different styles of facial hair available to men.

Thomas has done a lot with the versatile hair growing on his face, including philanthropic shaves and beard-growing. Bringing his wisdom to the people would be a logical next step.

4. Impersonate Ron Howard.

If you had a chance to pose as the former Happy Days star and current director of such blockbusters as The Da Vinci Code, I don’t think you could pass that up.

5. Take over the entire Supreme Court once Ron Paul wins the presidency in a surprise third-party victory.

Everyone knows the Supreme Court is what really controls America. Once Ron Paul sails on the back of disappointing job reports and Mitt Romney’s impossibly absent charisma into the Oval Office, he’ll surely waste no time in appointing Tim Thomas to every one of the nine spots. How? He’s Ron Paul. He’ll find a way.

6. And last, but not least, he could complete his Boston hero-status… and star in a Ben Affleck movie.

It’s the last step he needs to becoming the patron saint of Boston. Except maybe playing for the Red Sox and Patriots and Celtics too. Let’s not get carried away, though.

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