Serena Williams Raps Very Badly

Serena hops on the hashtag-rap trend, for some bizarre reason.

TMZ has a minute-long clip from what appears to be a rap song by Serena Williams. Let’s break down the lyrics, bit by bit. Just to preface: I think Serena Williams is an amazing athlete and all-around remarkable person. Which makes this all the more irritating.

Wait a minute now
Wait a minute now
Wait a minute now

Maybe Serena believes that the world has been waiting for her to rap. I’m not going to say she doesn’t. But fact is, the world has not been waiting for her to rap; the world has never even considered this a possibility.

I ball hard no tennis racket
I can see these haters through my Gucci glasses
I make hits like batting practice
They be like Serena, ‘Is you really rapping?’

Why would Serena Williams have haters? Maybe because she’s notorious for screaming at linesmen? I don’t know. It might have to do with the fact that you’re TERRIBLE AT RAPPING.

Also, highlighting how people can’t believe the fact that you’re rapping is not a good way to convince people that you should be rapping.

That’s me, thanks for listening
Schooling these rappers, they should pay tuition
I make a lot of money but that ain’t your business
And you can tell the people that I said [ROBOT NOISE]

Serena: Hey, Doctor Dre!
Dr. Dre: *silence*
Serena: Think I should make a rap song?
Dr. Dre: *silence*
Serena: What if put some unintelligible robot vocoder noise in it, will that help?
Dr. Dre: *silence*
Venus: SERENA STOP TALKING TO YOUR BOBBLEHEADS.

I win, I really mean it
Swag out this world, you should call me Venus
That’s my sister, my name is Serena
On the court I serve them up, no subpeona

Friends: “On the court I serve them up, no subpeona” is a prototypical example of hashtag rap. Stemming from Lil Wayne’s style, in which he unfurls a line and then punctuates it at the end with a phrase in the way that you would hashtag a tweet, the technique was takien to its logical conclusion by Young Money acolytes like Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne and then driven into the ground by terrible hacks like Childish Gambino.

Guess who Serena most resembles?

I cook the track up like a frozen pizza
Beat so crazy it might blow your speakers
I ain’t never been a loser
And I’m always on top, roofer

1. You just got through telling us how rich you are, and bragging about your Gucci glasses, and now you’re cooking up frozen pizzas.
2. This beat is not crazy. It sounds like every other dubstep-inflected rap song on the radio.
3. WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HASHTAG RAP?

That’s it. Enjoy the rest of the day knowing that you’re a better rapper than another famous person! (You’re a better rapper than Steve Francis, too.)

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