Obama-Snubbing Goaltender Tim Thomas Says He Supports Chick-Fil-A, God’s Wrath

“I stand with Chick-Fil-A.” Dude, they make sandwiches. You sound like you’re going to war.

Darren McCollester / Getty Images

Human promise-ring Tim Thomas, a goalkeeper for the Boston Bruins currently on hiatus so that he can spend more time with his family and Rand Paul, posted this statement to his Facebook page 19 hours ago:

I’m going to Fire Joe Morgan this, because it’s just, uh, it’s just so something.

I stand with Chick-Fil-A.

Tim Thomas’ discarded first lines for this post:

“I would kill a man for fried chicken with pickles.”

“You might not realize, but Chick-Fil-A buns make excellent loofahs.”

“God created Chick-Fil-A, not Chick-Fil-Gay.”

Chick-fil-A is privately owned by the Cathy family.

I wondered why the cashiers always said “ACK.”

The company president, Dan Cathy, drew the wrath of gay rights advocates and supporters when he made recent statements that some have alleged are anti-gay. … “I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we would have the audacity to try to redefine what marriage is all about.”

Hmm.

*thinks*

Sounds anti-gay to me!

“Guilty as charged,” [Cathy] said. “We are very much supportive of the family – the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that.”

Tim Thomas has been wondering about the Biblical definition of Facebook for a while now. Please email him with answers. Please.

In a separate interview on the Ken Coleman Show — Cathy suggested that the nation could face God’s wrath over the redefinition of marriage.

Other things that the nation will face God’s wrath over: confusing it’s and its; oxford commas; the word “alright.”

“I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage,’” Cathy said.

What would a gay wedding be without the communal shaking of fists, though? It’s the best part of the ceremony!

Anyway, if you need Tim Thomas, he’ll be throwing chicken sandwiches at passing cars.

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