Dear Mr. Jim Rome,
Here is my cover letter to be a writer for your show, The Jim Rome Show (Jim Rome). I thought the best way to show that I’d be a swell hire was to write a sample script. Feel free to use it on air, or read it into your bathroom mirror while flexing: either of these would be fine.
JIM ROME: SO. Concussions. Concussions have been a big deal in the NFL this year, real big, because apparently, players are ruining their brains, ha, playing football! Football. Playing football. *inhales* Playing football doesn’t ruin anyone’s brain. Being soft is what ruins brains.
*chugs pure taurine*
Now, we take these guys, these football players, and we coddle them so hard that that’s what’s giving them concussions. How very SOCCER of us. We’re making our football players soft by treating them like little diapered primadonnas, strutting around the field with their pearls hanging out like a bunch of gangly internationals. You know why football is the only major American professional sport without a bunch of European footie-burglars running around throwing no-look passes, showing off like they’re walking the catwalk for PRADA! Because football is a man’s sport, and everyone knows *deep breath* that the only men worth their weight in fine dirty-burning coal energy are the ones you find in the good ol’ U. Essss of freaking Ay-merica, esquire, period.
*forgets own name*
HOW VERY SOCCER OF THEM.
Look at a guy like Darelle Revis. Darelle Revis — even his name is a little suspicious, you know? Let’s call him Darelle Re-CHRIS, as in Christina, as in a girl. Darelle Re-Chris sat out last week with a *makes air-quotes with toes* concussion, which he got when his own teammate stepped on his face. I mean, the Jets, right? They’re like three squads of cheerleaders trying to build a pyramid. A pyramid! They say Re-Chris is the best cornerback in football, but what does Rome say? Rome says, how can you be the best cornerback in football when you don’t even play?
*waves finger at camera*
If Revis is so delicate, I can think of a good spot for him: Barcelona. Soccer Barcelona. In Spain. Ronnie Lott got a concussion every play, and he wore bells inside his helmet, because he liked that ringing noise, it kept him sharp. You know how many concussions I got on the show last week, Re-Chris? Two. And I’m out here right now, chewing my cud, spitting my takes. Eat that with your curds and whey, little Miss Muppet.
Thank you, Jim Rome.