1. Mark, you can’t distract me with steak. We’re down five points.
2. The market is a cruel mistress.
3. I’ve spent, like, five nights in a row investigating our derivatives. IT’S A DISASTER.
4. You want to know what would be a good birthday present? Help me unload 50% of my shares.
5. I can’t even spend an hour at the gym without the clowns at Morgan Stanley calling me to solve some emergency.
6. Let’s go chew out Cheryl Sandberg.
8. Not going to lie, I expected a little more from a guy who’s worth $20 billion.
9. YOU THINK YOU COULD’VE HANDLED THE IPO BETTER? SAY THAT TO MY FURRY FACE.
10. The secret to a successful presentation to shareholders? Be clean.
11. My hair gets poofy when I’m stressed.
12. I haven’t gotten up from my desk in 15 hours. Not even to pee.
13. Rub my belly and tell me how many shares I have.
14. If you need me, I’ll be washing my paws of your IDIOCY.
15. Market-moving events make me hungry.
16. I still don’t understand why Bernanke insisted I be neutered, but whatever.
17. No insider trading going on here. I promise.
18. Look at this face and tell me you don’t think Facebook’s a Buy.
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