James O’Keefe Weighs In On The New Orleans’ Saints Scandals

Conservative super-sleuth James O’Keefe — totally swear, honest — writes for us about how he would handle the constantly cheating Saints. (Ha! Fooled you. It isn’t actually James O’Keefe. But anyway.)

The New Orleans Saints are running rampant. Between Bountygate and new revelations that GM Mickey Loomis might have listened in on opposing coaches during the 2002-04 seasons, their behavior could hardly be called “saintly.” (Amirite?) The Saints are a broken institution, and to figure out what to do with them, we decided to bring in the caped crusader of broken institutions, documentarian/journalist/philanthropist/chameleon James O’Keefe.*** Take it away, James!

***The following was not written by James O’Keefe.

QUESTION: What do you do with a group of men who seem bent on pursuing villainy?

QUESTION: How many football crimes does it take to make a football team no longer a football team?

QUESTION: How do you play with a football?

I promise to find the answers to these questions, and more, possibly MUCH MORE — cc @BarackObama — in our next investigation, TO CATCH AN ATHLETE-PLAYER. (Athlete-player, right? I think that’s what you call them?) It’s based on my super-successful investigative-journalism franchise To Catch a Journalist. TOTALLY PUNKED YOU, SREE SREENIVASAN.

Let me draw it out for you.

First, what I know about the New Orleans Saints: players were paid BOUNTIES to kill, maim, and injure other players, largely based on political affiliation. The OFFENDERS, who are Republicans, were attacked by the DEFENDERS, who are Democrats. Because Brett Favre is definitely a Republican, and they tried to hurt him.

And, this news that Mickey Loomis — I call him Mickey “Mouse” Loomis, because he’s distrustful LIKE A RAT but small LIKE A MOUSE — eavesdropped on other coaches means that there are operatives embedded with the Saints, listening in on Bobby Jindal, a Republican/conservative hero and the governor of Louisiana. Back in 2002 and 2003 and 2004 they must have known somehow that he would soon be a star, and they were trying to stop him. James Carville sends me letters saying that the best political conversation takes place at the Saints’ Superdome stadium, and since Carville’s a sworn enemy of mine, he would know.

My mom won’t let me email, which is why he sends me letters.

Here’s the plan, to catch all these athlete-players in their next act of cheating.

STEP ONE: I will enter the Superdome wearing a football helmet and ice skates. Disguised as a New Orleans hockey athlete-player who also wants to audition for the New Orleans Saints, I will gain entry to the team’s locker closet.

STEP TWO: In the locker closet, I will first gain the players’ trust. We’ll talk about gumbo and the Louisiana Purchase — typical, topical New Orleans conversation.

STEP THREE: Call my mom to check in.

STEP FOUR: When the game is about to tip off, I’ll slip away and search their lockers. I’ll put all the guns, machine guns, bombs, machetes, pornography, Parental Advisory-labeled music, PG-13 movies, shirts without collars, overdue library books, prophylactics, off-brand bathroom products, Advil, and decks of cards into a large burlap sack.

STEP FIVE: After the game concludes, I’ll confront the players on videotape and force them to EXPLAIN why they had all these things. I’ll edit their responses to make it sound as though they’re reciting Marx’s Communist Manifesto from memory. I’ve got some stock footage if they don’t say enough words.

STEP SIX: Obama resigns.

If you have any other ideas for how I can CATCH AN ATHLETE-PLAYER, please call Project Veritas at [REDACTED]. Together, we can catch all of the New Orleans Saints and show the world that it’s more like the NEW ORLEANS TAINTED ATHLETE-PLAYER LIBERALS UNITED.

*** Again, this is obviously not written by James O’Keefe.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

          
    Now Buzzing