1. Step 1: Be an NBA player. In this case, be power forward Amir Johnson, whose Toronto Raptors hosted the Portland Trail Blazers Wednesday night.
He’s smiling because… well, you’ll see.
2. Step 2: Get the ball. Dribble. Stop dribbling.
3. Step 3: Stand there for a bit. PIVOT. (Good pivot.) PUMP-FAKE. (Good pump-fake.)
4. Step 4: Start dribbling again, in what is commonly known as a double-dribble and is the kind of thing basketball players stop doing sometime around 5th grade.
5. Step 5: Make sure that the two refs, circled in red, who are both staring *right* at you, somehow go blind for 10 seconds and miss your indiscretion.
6. Step 6: Celebrate.
Seriously, be happy: you just got away with something that’s egregious even if you were playing for St. Mary Catherine’s Junior High JV team.
7. Step 7: Well, this isn’t really a step, but — HI HATERS. (That’s Portland coach Terry Stotts looking aggrieved and aghast, by the way. As he should.)
8. For a little added fun, let’s compare the way the hometown and Portland commentators reacted. Portland’s crew immediately realizes they just saw a miscarriage of justice.
“That’s a double-dribble!”
“Terry Stotts is saying, ‘What in the heck.’”
“Yeah, they missed it completely — three refs out there, it’s a double-dribble! … How do you miss that? I mean, he double-dribbled!”
9. The Toronto commentators, meanwhile, not only waited a few beats before even mentioning the possibility — they had to see it again.
“Amir Johnson with a smile and a new look, by the way.”
“I tell you what, Matt — I’d like to see that again. I think Amir got away with a little double-dribble right there!”
“And that’s maybe why he was smiling back at the bench.”
“If I’m not mistaken, he already used his dribble.”