Here’s your reminder that even giant human beings like to look fly. The NBA playoffs, especially postgame press conferences, have in recent years become the fiercest fashion staging ground this side of Vogue, and I’ve ranked 16 of this year’s most prominent moments so far from worst to best. Unfortunate spoiler alert: none of them involve Zubaz.
16. Carmelo Anthony of the Knicks wore a bunch of fedoras.
He may also be wearing a ratty Silver Surfer t-shirt and ponytail in each of these pictures. I’m just guessing based on the damn hats, since they already burned my retinas out.
15. James Harden. Wrinkled denim shirt: check.
Mismatched vest: check. Insane death-glare: check. That’s right: the Rockets guard is Steven Segal.
14. If Pacer center Roy Hibbert had actually worn this monocle during his press conference…
NBA fashion game - Pacers Roy Hibbert and the monocle he brought to the podium. #UppingTheAnte @Hoya2aPacer
…it would’ve been the coolest thing since Jack Kennedy last stood on a boat. But he DIDN’T. Shame on you, Roy.
13. Hard to say what’s worse from this Russell Westbrook/Kevin Durant OKC Thunder pairing.
Russell Westbrook’s choker-leather or Kevin Durant’s Belichick-chic cutoff hoodie?
GRANDMA, WHY ARE YOU AT AN NBA PRESS CONFERENCE. GRANDMA oh whoops it’s Dwyane Wade of the NBA’s Miami Heat.
11. Bulls center Joakim Noah in a normal shirt?
“And Joakim Noah wins the 2013 Best Actor Academy Award for his performance as A Normal Dude. We never thought he could pull it off.”
Wearing a t-shirt with a suit is like eating ice cream with your fingers, and what’s worse…
9. LEBRON ALREADY WORE THAT SHIRT.
Kobe, you get penalized. LeBron, you got penalized because Kobe copied you. Sorry, that’s just how these things work. (Also, did they both get beads at the same Mardi Gras party?)
8. Lakers center Dwight Howard in a bowtie.
Knowing what a perpetual adolescent Howard is, the bowtie probably lights up and spins in a circle. I’m surprised he’s not wearing a propellor hat. It’s not a bad look, though.
7. Dwyane Wade in man-capris.
OK, so: if you have the stones to pull off Thom Browne-style short pants, you’ve earned our respect. But this is too short. Leave something to the imagination, Dwyane.
6. Kevin Durant with his signature, the postgame backpack.
RACKS ON RACKS ON RACKS, MAYBACH-PACKS ON PACKS ON PACKS ON PACKS ON PACKS…
It’s a little-known fact that Kevin Durant is actually a Japanese woodblock print from the Edo period. Points for coordinating with the backdrop.
5. All Black Everything, J.R. Smith says.
Know what’s playing on those headphones? You guessed it: Yanni.
4. Chris Paul, swank fighter pilot.
If you don’t think this look is dope, you don’t get to fly with Chris Paul in the F-16 he commissioned that’s made entirely out of black leather and mahogany.
3. James Harden with micro-floral prints for the discerning beard-grower.
Artisanal shirting, y’heard? Harden’s got a nice place up in the hills, little cottage by a stream. He’s gonna go up there, do some gardening, maybe try this Thai cookbook he bought at the used bookstore.
2. RUSS WESTBROOK FORGOT HIS REGULAR CLOTHES.
SO HE WENT BACK IN TIME AND STOLE FROM RUN DMC. IT’S LIKE RUSS DECIDED SLEEVES MADE HIM SLOWER. IT’S LIKE *dies from overdose of “rad” and “ill”*
1. Here’s the champ, though.
The Knicks’ Iman Shumpert might actually be the coolest dude alive. If you don’t think he looks awesome here, you need to re-assess your values. Shump’s hair alone could’ve defeated Napoleon.
All in all, a solid playoffs so far, with most of the missteps at least borne out of ambition. The best part is that we’re only in Round 2. To be continued…
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