Columnist Compares Successful NFL Quarterback To Maximum-Security Prisoner Because Of Tattoos

In the eyes of AOL FanHouse’s David Whitley, Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos disqualify him from leading a football team.

Bill Feig / AP

The fact that new 49ers starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick has tattoos is about as noteworthy as the fact that he has arms. But according to AOL FanHouse’s David Whitley, not only does Kaepernick’s ink make him unqualified to be the leader of a professional football team — it also makes him look like a prisoner.

San Francisco’s Colin Kaepernick is going to be a big-time NFL quarterback. That must make the guys in San Quentin happy.

Approximately 98.7 percent of the inmates at California’s state prison have tattoos. I don’t know that as fact, but I’ve watched enough “Lockup” to know it’s close to accurate.

I’m also pretty sure less than 1.3 percent of NFL quarterbacks have tattoos. There’s a reason for that.

This is how Whitley’s piece starts. There is no such thing as satire anymore. David Whitley has killed it. What’s the reason for why no NFL quarterbacks have tattoos, exactly? Oh, that’s right — because everyone with tattoos is IN SAN QUENTIN ON CHARGES OF GENERAL THUGGERY.

NFL quarterback is the ultimate position of influence and responsibility. He is the CEO of a high-profile organization, and you don’t want your CEO to look like he just got paroled.

Comparing NFL quarterbacks to CEOs is like comparing bagels to saxophones. They both have holes, I guess? CEOs and quarterbacks are both leaders, as are foremen, elementary school teachers, Navy SEALs, and at least one Ghostbuster out of the group.

All I can do is look in the mirror and sigh.

Forgive me, but I suffer from tattoo-ism. I sport no ink, and I don’t want any.

“All I can do is look in the mirror and sigh. Forgive me, but I suffer from believing that everyone should follow the cultural standards of mid-20th century male business executives.”

I realize tattoos are ways to pay homage to your religion, children and motorcycle gang. I’m cool with LeBron James looking like an Etch A Sketch.

LeBron James, tattooed motorcycle gangster, is the leader and public face of the current world and Olympic champion teams in his sport.

For dinosaurs like me, NFL quarterbacks were our little Dutch boys. The original hero stuck his finger in the dyke to save Holland. Pro QBs were the last line of defense against the raging sea of ink. When our kids said they wanted a tattoo, we could always point to the Manning brothers.

My guess is Archie would have made Peyton throw an extra 1,000 passes before dinner if he’d come home with a tattoo. The old man knew QBs are different.

WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN. “Little Dutch boys”?

Did Sammy Baugh, Johnny Unitas, Doug Williams or Joe Montana have arms covered in ink? Do Tom Brady, Drew Brees or Aaron Rodgers?

No, but Tom Brady wears Uggs and Drew Brees wears Ed Hardy. If this is an aesthetic-restraint thing, you chose the wrong dudes.

It’s not just a white thing, I hope. When the Panthers interviewed Cam Newton, owner Jerry Richardson popped the question.

“Do you have any tattoos?” he asked.

“No, sir,” Newton said. “I don’t have any.”

“We want to keep it that way,” Richardson said.

Oh, it’s not a white thing — it’s a making-black-kids-obey-old-white-men thing.

I realize not all NFL quarterbacks are pristine. Ben Roethlisberger has a “COURAGE” tattoo on the right side of his upper body. Smith has one honoring his Serbian heritage. They can’t be seen when the players put on their uniforms.

Then there are Michael Vick and Terrelle Pryor. Neither exactly fit the CEO image, unless your CEO has done a stretch in Leavenworth or has gotten Ohio State on probation over free tattoos.

That’s right — CEOs and Ben Roethlisberger are cited as paragons of moral authority. Does this guy even read the sports news?

That’s what makes Kaepernick a threat to the stereotype. By all accounts, he’s polite, hard working, humble and has never been to prison. He sounds more like a Tebow who can throw.

SO WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR POINT!!! The weirdest thing about this piece is that it ultimately admits that it’s placing “not having tattoos,” as a character trait, above being a good person, being a good leader, being humble, and working hard.

If you can’t draw the tattoo line at NFL quarterback, you can’t draw them anywhere.

“In closing, [something that literally doesn’t even make basic syntactic sense].”

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