A Frame-By-Frame Breakdown Of Vladimir Putin’s Staged Hockey Goal

Hours after being inaugurated, Emperor Putin led an amateur team against the “Legends of Russia.” He scored the game-winning shootout goal against a “legendary” goalie. We break it down.

1. Putin stands at center-ice, preparing to attack the goaltender. Slowly.

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2. We’ll keep track of how long it takes him to complete his shootout goal. The pressure must be TREMENDOUS.

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3. Putin crosses the blue-line and begins cycling through all the different ways he could try and outwit the goalie. Time passed: 37 seconds

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4. The goalie comes into view, having moved out from the net. Putin knows he has to act fast. Time passed: 68 seconds

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5. The Emperor cuts left, suggesting a forehand attempt. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT’S TO COME. Time passed: 94 seconds

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6. And he swings back across the goalie! (Who, if he cared at all about stopping Putin, would charge now as the Pres crawls by.) Time passed: 158 seconds

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7. Putin shoots! Fun fact: the shot itself, including backswing, takes 75 seconds. Time passed: 233 seconds

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8. Man, maybe the goalie should at least… react? Like, at least seem to be trying to save the shot?

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9. Oh! Well, all right.

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10. Anyway, a sleeping 12-year-old could’ve scored this goal, and faster, too. Putin’s full of shi— *gets kidnapped*

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11. *silence*

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12. And in video form:

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