LeBron James will advertise for Dunkin’ Donuts in China. Dunkin’ Donuts sells pork donuts in China.
Therefore, Lebron James will sell pork donuts in China.
This isn’t quite how it works, but the idea of LeBron James on Chinese TV, playing basketball with a huge pork donut, got us thinking. In an ideal world, what would be the perfect things for specific athletes to advertise overseas, free from the judgmental eye of the west.
3. Dwight Howard: HoneyBaked Ham Company Hams
After the extended debacle that was Dwight Howard’s flirtation with leaving Orlando, one thing has become clear, Dwight Howard is a seven-foot-tall hammy pork globule. The man loves being the center of attention, and what better way to do that than to help his hammy brethren expand beyond the American market. Now Dwight would never advertise for a B-level chain like HoneyBaked Ham in America, but overseas where the majority of his fans will never see it? Not a problem.
4. A.J. Hawk: Professional Wrestling
We said athletes, that’s why. (Your question was, “Why not professional wrestlers advertise professional wrestlers,” wasn’t it? You just wanted to know where the milk is? Oh, top shelf.) A.J. Hawk looks like he should be perpetually standing at the top of a turnbuckle, ready to jump on someone’s face. He also clearly shares a hairstylist with Triple H, the only human being to ever attempt to combine WASPy elitism with sweaty suplexes. This pick will help serve two purposes. One, AJ Hawk is way more reliable than most pro wrestlers. Two, this will help the NFL in their goal of expanding the game internationally.
5. Sean Avery: The Snooki by Nicole Polizzi Wild Thang Tiger-Print Satchel
Sean Avery: former NHL player, legitimate fashionista, asshole. Snooki: anthropomorphized loaf of bread. Snooki kind of has a fashion line? or something? and she could really use the edifying touch of Mr. Avery internationally, where they’ll recognize his classic cool but might not understand the Jersey Shore… thing. Avery wants a fashion challenge, he’ll get a fashion challenge, while still being able to look New York designers in the eye at parties.
6. Brandon Jennings: Snapback Hats
Brandon wouldn’t be embarrassed about this endorsement, but it would be perfect overseas. Snapback hats are an American look — read: ostentatious, fly, etc. — and to sell them in foreign markets you need a quintessentially American dude. Brandon Jennings, who once rocked a mighty high-top fade, would be an ideal pitchman; a few well-placed billboards, and he’ll have every single person in Southeast Asia fearing the deer in no time. (These are large billboards.)
7. Brittney Griner:The New York Times
This makes sense, I swear. Look: many people overseas don’t read English. How do you sell an English-language newspaper to people who don’t speak English? You convince them it has alternative uses. Brittney Griner is the most dominant shot-blocker in basketball right now. What else do shot-blockers do? They swat shots. What else do you swat? Flies and/or other bugs. What can you use to swat flies? A rolled-up newspaper. YES.
8. Clint Dempsey: Old Kung-Fu Movies On DVD
Just look at him. Basically the most intense, insane-looking dude to ever cleat up and karate-kick you in the eyebrow. Some Japanese DVD company could use him to tap into their country’s fascination with both soccer and American culture to sell reissued DVDs. Dempsey could kick boxes in the commercial. It’ll be great, so long as it doesn’t hit YouTube to humiliate him stateside.
9. John Axford: Captain Morgan Rum
John Axford is not famous enough in America to endorse a product, and his teammates would mercilessly mock him if they knew he was going out on commercial auditions as a regular actor. But internationally? He can feel free to use his greatest natural gift.