When you're trying to be snarky:
1. "I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day."
2. "Just so you know: it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!"
3. "Ah, humor based on my pain."
4. "I wish I could, but I don't want to."
5. "Today, it's like there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me."
6. "No uterus, no opinion."
7. "Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it!"
8. "Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?"
9. "Asel!"
10. "I have to go before I put your head through a wall."
11. "I don't even have a 'pla.'"
12. "You know, like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo."
When you want to gram your food:
13. "I'm full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I'll regret it."
14. "MY FAJITAS! VERY HOT!"
15. "The fridge broke so I had to eat everything."
16. "Custard, good! Jam, good! Meat, good!"
17. "Sitting in your stupid coffee house, with your stupid big cups, which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them!"
18. "Here come the meat sweats…"
19. "Joey doesn't share food!"
20. "You hung up on the pizza place? I don't hang up on your friends."
21. "You threw my sandwich away? MY SANDWICH?"
When you're feeling yourself:
22. "It's so hard to care when you're this relaxed."
23. "I mean sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have."
24. "Hey, check me out. I'm a slut!"
25. "God, I love how sexy I am."
26. "I'm curvy and I like it."
27. "How you doin'?"
28. "I'm not even sorry."
29. "You've been BAMBOOZLED!"
30. "Could I BE wearing any more clothes?"
31. "WHOOOPAH!"
When you're everyone's #RelationshipGoals:
32. "He's her lobster."
33. "He's so pretty I want to cry."
34. "In all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best [friend]."
When you had a fun night out on the town:
35. "I can't have a mimosa at breakfast? I'm on vacation!"
36. "Thirteen bathrooms in this place, I threw up in the coat closet."
37. "The more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink."
38. "That's right, mom and dad. Your little harmonica is hammered."
39. "It's a Sunday. I don't move on Sundays."
40. "I shouldn't be allowed to make decisions anymore."
When you're single af:
41. "I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love."
42. "Your love is like a giant pigeon crapping on my heart."
43. "Rotten boys!"
44. "WE WERE ON A BREAK!"
When you're posted up with your BFFs:
45. "They don't know that we know they know we know."
46. "Thank you my babies."
47. "Ohhhhhhh myyyyyyyyy Godddddd!"
48. "I am always the hostess."
49. "Looks like a fun gang."