1. Family first.
2. Always leave a note.
3. You shouldn’t steal your siblings’ boyfriend or girlfriend.
4. Don’t fall in love with your cousin.
5. If you think you’re related, you probably are.
6. If you see a bag in the refrigerator labeled “dead dove,” it’s probably a dead dove.
7. When in doubt, communicate your feelings on a banner.
8. Let your siblings crash with you if they need somewhere to live.
9. And don’t underestimate the comfort of model homes.
10. Put your trust in the family lawyer, because he’s very good.
11. And keep a private investigator in your contacts list.
12. Take the time to learn the actual names of your family members’ significant others.
13. Don’t be afraid to make a mistake.
14. Spend quality time with your uncle.
15. But be careful he doesn’t want to date your girlfriend.
16. Mother/son pageants are no place for a grandson and his grandmother.
17. You don’t need to dress up like a British nanny to get close to your kids.
18. Always practice honesty.
19. Stay away from loose seals. All loose seals.
20. Be careful when you name your kids, or they might end up with the same name as an ’80s pop star.
21. Take care of your pop pop when he hides in the attic.
22. Running away to join the Blue Man Group won’t solve your problems.
23. Don’t be condescending about your brother’s magic tricks, which are actually called illusions.
24. Keep your family business in the family.
25. Don’t put personal expenses on the company card.
26. White collar crimes are still crimes you can go to jail for.
27. And if a family member goes to jail, make sure you visit them.
28. Just remember: No touching.
29. It’s OK to shame people into being more courageous by doing the chicken dance.
30. Don’t be afraid to be exactly who you are, even if it means revealing you’re a nevernude.
31. You don’t need to wear a T-shirt that says “slut” to get your dad’s attention.
32. It’s not a good idea to sleep with your son’s ethics teacher.
33. Listen to your doctor’s advice, but don’t take it too literally.
34. Calling your siblings by “brother” and “sister” can be a sign of affection.
35. Adopting can be rewarding, but can also cause jealousy if not handled properly.
36. The shower is a good place to let out your emotions.
37. You don’t have to listen if your parents try to send you to the army.
38. Don’t wait until your kids are popular high school students to find out about them.
39. Everyone could always use ANUSTART.
40. Beware of moles who trick you into loving them for information.
41. When you take family trips, don’t leave anyone behind.
42. It’s OK if you need a drink or two to get through a family dinner.
43. Bid on the right mom at charity auctions.
44. Love your children equally.
45. Be able to recognize your housekeeper.
46. You don’t actually need everyone’s consent to get pre-pre-engaged.
47. Don’t get hair plugs to boost your ego. Your family loves you no matter what.
48. Make sure any puppets you bring to family parties act appropriately.
49. Honor your family.
50. And do the right thing.
51. Don’t leave your significant other for the family business secretary.
52. Let everyone know what you’re thinking at all times.
53. Always participate in Take Your Daughter To Work day.
54. Hold as many parties on the family yacht as you can.
55. Drink the whole bottle of vodka after you open it, otherwise it’ll go bad.
56. A stair car is better than no car.
57. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, and especially don’t promise crazy a baby.
58. It’s probably not a good idea to date your mother’s frenemy.
59. Especially after your brother already did.
60. Every so often, someone will make a huge mistake.
61. Arizona is overrated.
62. Sacrifice everything for your family.
63. There’s always money in the banana stand.