1. The Person Who Is on a Marriage “Deadline”
This person is driving everyone crazy because they are so determined to get married and have kids at any cost, that they literally have no other interests besides planning a wedding with a person who does not actually exist yet.
2. The Person Who Is Still Clubbing
Where is this person getting all the energy required to look so incredibly ridiculous at a club? All they are doing is aimlessly buying drinks for 21-year-olds with all of their actual grown-up money.
3. The Slowly Becoming Conservative Person
This person has been golfing a lot lately, and is starting to look suspiciously like your dad. You don’t notice their right-leaning inclinations at first, because unlike your grandparents, they don’t say racist things at dinner or forward you weird emails about the Second Amendment. But then one day, they start a sentence like, “You know, Rand Paul has a good point about…” and that’s when you know it’s all over.
4. The Cat Mom
Not to be confused with a person who owns a cat, the cat mom is a person who is more or less owned BY a cat. They have the same conversations that a parent might have about a new baby, except they are about a cat, so it’s a lot harder to take them seriously.
Life is too short to fight with someone about whether or not you take their cat seriously enough.
5. The Professional Grad Student
This person has been in grad school for so long that you actually do not know what degree they are working on anymore because they should have three Ph.D.s by now. Every time they finish a degree, they get excited for a new degree, which makes you wonder if they are less excited about school and more terrified of entering life.
But also, seriously, where are they getting all this money to go to school?
6. The Person Who Decides to Become a “Consultant.”
Very often, a “consultant” is a fancy word for someone who is unemployed, and remains that way, because now they are being more stubborn about taking normal jobs.
The best-case scenario is that they eventually can charge people a lot of money in exchange for their adult opinions. Unfortunately, as a result, they now often think their adult opinions are so awesome that everyone should hear them, all the time, in all situations.
7. The Married Person Who Pressures You Into Coupling Up
This person will not take your single status lying down. They are DETERMINED to set you up with someone, because if they have to spend all their time as a couple, they might as well have some company with someone they actually like… which is you! Their friend. Whom they actually like.
Even worse is when this person is in one of the worst relationships you have ever seen.
8. The Spiritual Guru
This person is obsessed with the word “wellness.” Their Pinterest board is almost entirely yoga poses, meditation tips, and motivational quotations in various swirly fonts. They are very happy, but the digestive tea they insist on drinking smells terrible, and they will also make you feel guilty about eating Cheetos, and you can’t have that.
9. The Parent You Never See Anymore
Once upon a time, you had a pretty cool friend, and then they got married and had babies and lived happily ever after and then you never saw them ever again… That is, unless you have babies too.
10. The Person Who Is Still Drinking Like They Are 22
One of the best parts about getting older is that your alcohol tolerance naturally decreases, and you become a much cheaper date. This person, however, does not want any reminders that they are getting older, and so they insist on constantly calling you to come out to bars. On a Tuesday. At 10 a.m.
11. The Bitter Divorced Person
This person possibly got married a little too young, and is pretty angry about it. Plus, they have just re-entered the dating scene (which they might have been gone from for a decade or more) and they do not like it. On the plus side, this person has tons of great bad-date stories. On the negative side, these bad-date stories are often their fault, which is awkward.
12. The Person Who Is Still an Intern
If someone has gotten all the way to their thirties and has not managed to convince anyone to pay them for their work, they are either in a horrible line of work or they have a bad habit of being terrible at everything. Don’t let them in your house, or they might start a fire — or worse, they might ask to crash on your couch for “a few months.”
13. The Guy Who Only Dates College Girls
This person really, really wants to feel impressive to someone. And the type of guy who can only impress girls who are two-thirds his age and have way less money than him is the type of guy you can pretty confidently not talk to ever again.
14. The Faux Mess
This person thinks they are a mess, but is actually doing fine. But they are constantly checking in with everyone just to make sure, which simultaneously drives everyone crazy and makes their less successful friends feel terrible about their own accomplishments.
Luckily, this person can be saved by using some of their successful adult money to get a therapist.