1. The Person With Sky High Expectations
No matter how much this person likes their significant other, if they get anything less than a chocolate unicorn riding in a blimp and farting poetry, they are going to be incredibly disappointed. And they are going to take it out on you.
2. The Person Who Tells Everyone That Hallmark Invented Valentine’s Day
This is also the person who can never STFU about how “commercialism is ruining America” and how “Santa Claus was invented by Coca-Cola.” At all times, they must be kept away from The Person With Sky HIgh Expectations if you don’t want to spend the rest of day afterwards consoling a crying person in the bathroom.
3. The Person Who Is Accidentally In A New Relationship
This person probably met someone at a party the weekend before, and will spend all of Valentine’s Day wondering loudly to everyone about whether or not he or she is obligated to make plans.
4. The Match-Maker
This person is usually in a long-term committed relationship, which they are probably a little bored of. So instead of facing that, they will instead choose to put their energy into forcing any number of will-they-or-won’t-they situations around the office or school. Did you at one point mention that you thought that guy in accounting was cute? Don’t worry: the match-maker thinks that this is definitely the day to loudly ask whether or not that guy is married.
5. The Person Who Forgot
“Oh shit!” This person usually mutters at about 10:15 a.m. on V-Day. That’s because this person suddenly realized that they are in huge trouble with their significant other, and is also very quickly realizing that it’s probably too late for same day delivery from 1-800-FLOWERS or edible arrangements, shit shit shit shit. This person is so screwed.
6. The Chocoholic
In fairness to this person, chocolate does not really have its own holiday, so this is as good of one as any. When you ask this person what they are doing for Valentine’s Day, they usually respond with “chocolate!” as though chocolate is a verb. To them, chocolate is all parts of speech. It is everything.
7. The Person Who Calls It “Singles Awareness Day”
Everyone knows that this person does not have a significant other, but for this person, Valentine’s Day is the day where they can publicly reconfirm multiple times for everyone just in case someone forgot, or is suddenly interested in them. You know, just in case someone has a cute friend or whatever.
8. The Person In A Committed Relationship
This person is happy and their lives are going awesome and god dammit you hate them so much.
9. The Tinder Hound
Thanks to the magic of Tinder, this person has smartly decided to cut out the middleman of spending money and time navigating dinner, flowers, new outfits and blow-outs, and has cut straight to to part where they get to have sex. They will spend the day trying to match with as many people as possible, knowing that their chances of success are probably higher today than ever.
10. The Person Who Is Overwhelmed
This person fears Valentine’s Day more than they fear Income Tax day. It’s not that they’re not a smart, capable person, it’s just that they have no idea what to get their S.O. and they know there is a lot riding on this decision and all of their ideas are stupid and oh dear Jesus do you think my girlfriend will like this scarf with puppies on it? She likes scarves and puppies and this is both? HELP.
11. The Person Who Tells Everyone How Much They Plan To Drink Today
This is the person who has been talking about getting drunk on Valentine’s Day for weeks, and definitely with the same level of excitement as those who actually have dates. They are either the most fun or the least fun person in your office; when you ask them what their plans are for V-Day, they usually respond with “Vodka” if they are very sad, or “Wine” if they are only moderately sad, but still want to invite you over to watch movies that night.
12. The Person Who Made Stuff For Everyone
This is the person who spent the past 48 hours making everyone personalized candy bouquets that are all placed on everyone’s desk before they arrive. Yeah, this person probably makes you feel guilty for not making them anything, but give this person a hug, because they probably really need it.