1. “Sallie” and “Mae” are the two scariest words in the English language.
2. Older people love to make light of your horrifying debt.
I wish student loans were just like Justin Bieber, because then they would make enough money to pay for themselves.
3. The moment you sign a promissory note amazingly feels like the worst choice you make in college.
Taking out a loan is like wishing on the monkey’s paw; yes, you get to be a college student… for the rest of your life.
4. To you, it isn’t “graduation day,” it’s “T-minus 6 months until I have to be employed.”
You’re hilarious, grace period.
5. You end a lot of sentences about things you’d like to buy with “…if it weren’t for my student loans.”
Like food that comes in shapes other than “brick.”
6. Looking at your online loan account is so depressing that it makes you want to put on sad break-up music.
7. None of the ways to get your loans forgiven are super realistic.
But you keep Googling “ways to get your loans forgiven,” every so often, anyway. Just to check.
8. Every time your loan payment is due, it’s a minor financial emergency.
9. You stop thinking of it as “paying interest on your loans” and start thinking of it as “setting your money on fire.”
10. The choice between a forbearance and a deferment always feels like a trick question.
Forbearance is the worse of the two, right? Right?!
11. Being behind on your payments means constant, unending paranoia.
12. Upromise may look like a college savings/loans repayment program, but it’s more like a fly that won’t leave you alone because it keeps trying to give you pennies.
How about I give YOU a dollar if you promise to stop e-mailing me?
13. Because you’re constantly broke, every milestone you want to reach in life takes 10 years longer to actually get to.
Unless you become the first homeowner whose house is made entirely of their own tears.
14. When you’re way behind on your payments, you become terrified of calls from 800 numbers.
15. It’s not weird to have at least one serious conversation where you consider leaving the country.
They can’t constantly robocall me in Siberia, it’s long distance.
16. There’s never a good time to tell your new SO about the enormous amount of debt you’re in.
Poverty: total mood killer.
17. Getting the mail is the worst, because you never know what kind of loan related complication is going to turn up.
And it will take forever to fix.