The 16 Stages Of Leaving Your Phone At Home

Is this what it’s like to feel naked in public?

1. Stage 1: You leave the house, oblivious that anything is wrong. You may even think, “Wow, wouldn’t it be terrible if I left my phone at home?”

You will dismiss this thought as hilariously impossible.

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2. Stage 2: You need to do something phone related. Time to start fumbling through your pockets/stuff.

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3. Stage 3: You continue to look through your stuff, in denial, because maybe your phone is not still at home?

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4. Stage 4: Your phone is still at home. You very quietly plot your own murder.

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5. Stage 5: You agonize for five minutes over whether or not to go home for it.

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6. Stage 6: You courageously decide to go on without your phone, with such lies as “I’m at work/school to do work/learnin’” and “All the people I’d want to talk to will be at the place I’m at, anyway.”

“This is a pretty boss decision,” you tell yourself.

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7. Stage 7: You start to see your lack of a phone as a badge of honor. And you become that annoying person who tells others that “we’re too focused on our phones, guys.”

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8. Stage 8: You realize that without your phone’s GPS, you actually have no idea where you are going.

Come on, you got this! The cavemen never had to stop for directions!

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9. Stage 9: You discover that you now have no prop to help you avoid eye contact with people.

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10. Stage 10: You realize that all phones that aren’t yours are basically useless to you, because you only know two numbers by heart.

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11. Stage 11: You remember all the lines that you will have to wait in today. You have no idea what you are going to do with yourself while in line.

You’ll people watch! Yeah! That won’t be weird and discomforting to others!

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12. Stage 12: You see something goddamned amazing and know that you can’t Instagram it.

Well, whatever, people thing Instagram is annoying anyway, right? Right?

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13. Stage 13: You find yourself in a circle of people who are all buried in their phones. They are laughing and learning and enjoying themselves, and you feel very left out.

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14. Stage 14: You accept that not going back home for your phone was actually a pretty terrible idea.

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15. Stage 15: You return home, and see no missed calls. You do not know whether or not to be relieved or depressed.

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16. Stage 16: You realize that you don’t need any friends, because you are just so happy to be reunited with your BFF, your phone.

Let’s never part again, until the next time I forget to charge you overnight.

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