1. The story of Thanksgiving, when you’re a kid: a beautiful tale of two groups coming together in the spirit of cooperation and thanks.
The story of Thanksgiving, when you’re an adult: really awkward, now that you know how badly the pilgrims treated the Native Americans.
2. Thanksgiving Eve, when you’re a kid: Celebrate good times, there’s no homework due for days!
Thanksgiving Eve, when you’re an adult: Agonize over whether or not you’re too lazy to party with your high school friends.
3. Thanksgiving morning, when you’re a kid: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, or GTFO out of the TV room.
Thanksgiving morning, when you’re an adult: Everyone needs to GTFO out of your room, because you are too hungover from seeing your high school friends.
4. The cost of the food, when you’re a kid: You have no idea, and you don’t care.
The cost of the food, when you’re an adult: You realize just how much money is being spent on one meal.
So why aren’t we just going out to eat, again?
5. Eating dinner in the afternoon, as a kid: Why aren’t we eating dinner earlier?
Seriously, I don’t care that it’s 11 a.m., gimme the potatoes, I WILL JUST MASH THEM IN MY MOUTH.
Eating dinner in the afternoon, as an adult: being super excited about having the rest of the day to sleep it off.
6. The meal prep, when you’re a kid: Some adults spend half a day yelling at each other in a kitchen, and at the end, food magically happens.
The meal prep, when you’re an adult: The friend least likely to give everyone Salmonella makes the turkey, everyone else brings beer.
Or now YOU are one of the adults yelling in the kitchen.
7. Well-meaning family members, when you are a kid: “You are so adorable!”
Well-meaning family members, when you are an adult: “You are so single.”
8. Obnoxious relatives, when you’re a kid: having no choice but to tolerate your drunk grandpa.
Obnoxious relatives, when you’re an adult: being able to drink until grandpa’s funny.
9. Thanksgiving Day football, when you’re a kid: You don’t care who’s playing, IT’S FOOTBALL!
Look, it’s football! In the middle of a weekday! That’s crazy! FOOTBALL!
Thanksgiving day football, as an adult: You would almost prefer to be at work than have to watch the Cowboys play.
Explain to me again why the Cowboys and the Lions have to play every Thanksgiving? Because I bet it’s for a stupid reason.
10. Food anxiety, when you’re a kid: What if there isn’t enough tasty food, and I’m stuck eating vegetables?
Food anxiety, when you’re an adult: What if there aren’t enough vegan options?
11. The drumstick, when you’re a kid: If I don’t get the drumstick, I will probably cut someone.
The drumstick, when you’re an adult: No thanks, I’ll take the cut of turkey that requires the least amount of work, please?
12. Drinking, when you’re a kid: Why would you want alcohol when there is PIE?
Drinking, when you’re an adult: How could you want pie without pairing it with alcohol?
13. The kids’ table, when you’re a kid: the place where kid conversation and behavior runs free.
The kids’ table, when you’re an adult: the table where no one will stop talking about their kids.
How long the meal lasts, when you’re an adult: for as long as you can possibly keep drinking.
15. Leftovers, when you’re a kid: By Friday, you are sick to death of turkey.
No more sandwiches, plz.
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