19 Ridiculous Things You Can Get At Victoria’s Secret

Boobs boobs boobs.

Hello again! We are Kristin and Leo and we like to talk about fashion. Today, we're chatting about the lingerie megachain Victoria's Secret.

Sam Stryker / BuzzFeed

First some thoughts on V.S.:
Leo: To me, Victoria's Secret is where you and your girlfriends go in eighth grade to buy leopard push-up bras. And then you hide your V.S. purchase in an Aeropostale bag so your parents never know what's up. Also: WHO is Victoria and WHAT is her effing secret?

Kristin: I think for everyone who is a DD cup or higher, Victoria's Secret is like that popular girl in high school who ended up never leaving her hometown. Like, she was really cool when you were a kid, but now she just hangs out in malls and it's really sad.

1. V-Neck Crop Hoodie, $59.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: **adolescent laugh** Drop the "G" and you get...ANEL island. Like anal. But ANEL.

Kristin: Yeah, there's nothing like the sight of a big ol' butthole setting over the horizon of Anel Island.

Leo: My god, it does look like a butthole!

2. Crewneck Tee, $29.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: I'm kind of disappointed that this mock jersey assumes that a ladies' sports team would automatically have mermaids as their mascot.

Leo: Oh, I thought this was supposed to mean that the mermaids were DOING the sport. Or that the person's last name was "Mermaid"?

Kristin: With sports jerseys, the last names are typically on the back.

Leo: **shrug** Yeah, I don't know sports.

3. Knockout by Victoria's Secret Front-Close Sports Bra, $59.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: So it's a normal bra...inside of a sports bra?

Kristin: It's bra-ception.

Leo: IT'S A CONSPIRACY! ALL THE PERFECTLY TONED WOMEN AT THE GYM ARE WEARING NORMAL BRAS.

Kristin: Maybe this is for if your bra gets cold, and you need to buy it a little coat?

4. Logo Thong Panty, $10.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: I think if you're going to wear a thong, there's no point making it with comfortable fabric. You're not fooling anyone, Victoria's Secret.

Leo: This is what Kate Hudson would wear in a movie where she really impresses guys with her ability to eat hot dogs and swear.

5. Pillowtalk Tank Pajama, $52

victoriassecret.com

Leo: It says "girls night in," but she's alone...in the daytime...next to a surfboard. I'm no Einstein, but something's missing here.

Kristin: Poor "girls night in" T-shirt, forever sad because it's missing that possessive apostrophe at the end that would make it grammatically complete.

Leo: GIRLS'! Our BuzzFeed copy editors would be proud.

6. Bridal Thong Panty, $16.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: This is what your cool aunt gives you at your bridal shower and you want to die.

Leo: And she giggles as you open it, and is like "HA HA HA HA SEX."

Kristin: And it makes you wish that you could go back to a time before you ever knew about sex.

7. Bridal Hoodie, $58

victoriassecret.com

Leo: Something old, something new, something borrowed...something hoodie?

Kristin: "I'll take the most comfortable thing you sell, and the least comfortable things you sell, please!"

8. Lace-Up Corset, $88

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: What could you even wear this under without it showing? This is basically useless as a support garment.

Leo: I guess you'd change in the bathroom or, yeah, wear something huge over it. Like...hmm...a nun's outfit? A muumuu? There's lot of role-play with bulky clothes that you could get into with this. But I somehow think that's probably not the point.

9. The Everywhere Strappy High-Waist Short, $29.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: Hmmm. Why do you think it's called the "everywhere" short? Like this certainly doesn't seem to me like an item one can wear "everywhere."

Kristin: Because it's going to give you strap marks everywhere.

Leo: I feel strangely compelled to try these on. I like a good belly-button-covering garment.

10. The Most-Loved Yoga Capri, $39.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: Yoga butt gives you WIIIIIIINGSSS.

Leo: These pants just gave me an intense flashback to 2003. And in it, I had chunky highlights. So we need to move on now, please.

11. Strappy Monokini, $88.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: So I actually looked up the definition of a "monokini" — because let's be honest, this is just a regular bikini with some extra stringy things — and GUESS WHAT. A monokini is actually "a one-piece bathing suit that leaves the breasts bare."

Kristin: AHHHHHH! This isn't a bathing suit, it's a recipe for a stripey sunburns. Also, good luck getting that thing on and off without falling on your face.

12. VS Stripe Luggage Tag and Passport Case, $25

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: Wait, are these BOTH luggage tags?

Leo: One is a passport case. You know, for the international jet-setting Angels. Just 'cause you have your own wings doesn't mean you aren't subject to immigration policies, I guess?

Kristin: I don't think you can have dual U.S.–Victoria's Secret citizenship. I think they'd frown on that.

13. Oversize Zip Tunic, $69.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: Sheesh, these "angels" seem kind of like bullies.

Kristin: This hoodie basically just says: "Advertising made me buy this sweater."

Leo: But what is "it"?! Sex? Drugs? The Superman ride at Six Flags? Murder???

14. Sexy Little French Maid, $78

Via victoriassecret.com

Kristin: This would look terrible on me, but great on my boyfriend.

Leo: Where did the French maid obsession come from? Like, what is the origin of this image? I'm pretty sure Victor Hugo's house cleaners didn't wear shit like this. I can't really imagine dude sitting around writing Les Misérables with some lady in a black-and-white miniskirt trying to mop his floors.

Kristin: Cleaning just isn't sexy. No one has ever looked sexy while trying to pull hair out of a shower drain.

15. Boxy Pullover, $47.50

Via victoriassecret.com

Kristin: "Oh, I don't want much for my birthday, hon — just get me a sweater that's impossible to lace myself into."

Leo: So straitjacket chic.

16. Strappy Embroidered Balconet Bra, $88

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: It's like buying a dust ruffle for your boobs.

Leo: Yeah, I can see that. Like it's the lingerie interpretation of a room at a Massachusetts B&B. I don't think I could wear this with a straight face.

17. Lace Halter Babydoll, $29.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: LOL, this was in the "sleep" apparel section?! With that texture of fabric? Is this some sort of dare?

Leo: Sleep in this? Ha! That halter bit looks like a defective seatbelt for your boobs. They'd be busting out of there the second you turn over. And I don't know about you, but when it's sleepytime, I like to be properly tucked in.

18. T-Back Cheekini, $14.50

victoriassecret.com

Leo: What the heck is a "cheekini"? I am visualizing a martini glass filled with skin.

Kristin: This is just the sexy version of wearing underwear with holes in it.

Leo: Yeah, that dark-purple part is totally unnecessary. I feel like this is what happens when a painting is done but the artist just can't help but add.

Kristin: Also, this is more or less proof that the only fun part of wearing a thong is letting people know you are wearing a thong.

19. Lace-Up Heart Cheeky Panty, $16.50

victoriassecret.com

Kristin: I love it when my underwear comes with a fart vent.

Leo: So this is a "cheeky" panty but not a "cheekini"? Very confused. Also, I know this is going to sound really gross and immature but when I look at this, all I can think about is whether these undies would allow for you to take a poo without removing them.

Kristin: Look, every lady deserves a beautiful fart vent.