1. Believing at the start of every season that Jay Cutler has the potential to be an elite quarterback.
It’s his contract year, and everyone knows you get magical powers in your contract year!
2. And having to justify Jay Cutler’s inconsistent performance and bad attitude by week seven.
“But his teammates really respect him!”
3. Getting excited about “Bear Weather,” because you know that the Bears play better in cold weather.
Everyone knows it’s a fact, OK?
4. Seeing the Bears actually play in “Bear Weather.”
This was just something you invented to distract us from how freezing Soldier Field is, isn’t it?
5. Knowing that Devin Hester is the greatest punt returner of all time.
6. But also acknowledging Devin Hester’s inability to catch a ball and run at the same time.
Also, he raced a cheetah this past summer. Why must 2013 Devin Hester go out of his way to remind us that he is not 2006 Devin Hester?
7. We have a pretty good receiver in Brandon Marshall…
8. And an occasionally brilliant RB in Matt Forte…
9. It should mean greatness, but what it really means is that everybody else’s defenders know that they only have to cover two guys.
10. Seeing the Packers lose is getting to see the Bears win twice.
11. But the Packers haven’t lost against the Bears in three years.
12. In 2007, the Bears finally went to another Super Bowl.
So you can stop talking about the ‘85 one!
13. Except that means we now have to remember all the painful Bears blunders from the Colts’ easy victory.
14. Even during that 2006 Super Bowl season, Rex Grossman’s QB rating was a rollercoaster of ups and fails.
Were you stuck in traffic on week 17, Rex?
15. We know that the Bears’ real strengths lie in defense.
16. But that our defense is like a Ferrari with 200,000 miles on it that gets driven into lamposts a lot.
17. Marc Trestman is one of only three Bears head coaches to win their first game as head coach.
18. And justifying Trestman still means having to convincingly say things like, “I’ve heard the Monteal Allouettes are pretty good.”
No, you haven’t.
19. Poppa Bear Halas’ family still owns the team, which is wholesome and adorable.
20. And yet they put up with the disaster that Mike McCaskey was as the Bears’ General Manager.
Would it have been that hard to wait to announce your new coach until AFTER he agreed to coach for you?
21. In their 2013 season opener, the Bears beat the Bengals…
22. …but not nearly as well as the Bengals beat themselves.
It’s going to be a long season. But we only say all these things to the Bears because we love them. We just want what’s best for you, Bears!
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