Please Don’t Leave Northwestern, Fitz. You’re Our Mary Poppins.

You’re the best football coach NU has ever had, Pat Fitzgerald. And we’re very worried that you might fly away to go help those other children at USC.

1. Like a magical goddamned wizard, you dropped in from out of the sky to help the young people who needed you.

2. Other coaches may have written your job off as impossible. Coaching Northwestern nerds? As if those dweebs can ALSO be good football players?

3. But you didn’t care how ridiculous it looked. You see the special and hidden potential in everybody.

Look at what you did for Mike Kafka!

4. With the powers of patience, fairness, and hard work, you became feared and respected by all living creatures, from QBs to kickers.

You can make anything into a game! Even football!

5. That’s because you care. You are badass even at caring.

You even make sure that everybody goes to bed on time! IN COLLEGE.

6. You were given a team that had gone 22-27 in the last four years and took them to five. Consecutive. Bowl games.

7. And when anyone points out that you have magical coaching powers, you insists that your abilities are “overrated.”

Oh, just STOP BEING SO CLASSY ALREADY.

8. You make us believe that Northwestern could see another Rose Bowl someday.

9. So please, Fitz. We know that other children at USC or UT might need you too. But you just can’t leave us. WE AREN’T READY YET.

10. After all, it’s because of YOU that we will get to end our losing streak against Ohio State in a practically perfect way: ON COLLEGE GAMEDAY THIS SATURDAY NIGHT.

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