1. Christmas cards, as a kid: An annual documentation of your humiliation at the hands of your parents.
2. Christmas music, as a kid: There are a bunch of old Christmas songs that are OK, and then this one REALLY AWESOME MARIAH CAREY SONG.
You immediately taped that shit right off the radio.
As an adult: Seriously, how has NO ONE written another top 40 Christmas song in 20 years?
Beyonce drops new album in December with no catchy Christmas bangers, this is inexcusable. Please help us, Bey.
3. Buying presents, as a kid: Getting money from dad, so that you can buy a present for mom.
Everyone gets little stuff from the “Christmas store” that comes to your elementary school. Everything you buy everyone is adorable!
As an adult: Going broke buying presents for mom AND dad AND your siblings AND everyone else who surprised with you with a present.
Christmas is now a zero sum game.
4. Christmas fears, as a child: Santa (or your parents) will figure out that bad thing you did, and Christmas will be utterly ruined.
Look, Santa: my 5 year old interest in dog poop is STRICTLY scientific. You know who else was shunned for their controversial work? GALILEO.
As an adult: Dying alone, or even worse, that your S.O. will realize that you are a bad thing for them, and break up with you right before Christmas.
You really wish they’d learned about your weird hobbies BEFORE you bought their present.
5. Christmas Eve, as a kid: You stay up all night to try to see if you can catch a glimpse of Santa.
As an adult: You fall asleep on your laptop trying to tick all the things off your Christmas cores list.
6. Decorations, as a kid: These go up a month or two early.
Your parents knew how long it took to put up all those damn decorations, so they wanted to get as much use out of them as possible.
As an adult: These stay up a month or two late.
You know how long it took to put up those damn decorations, so you want to get as much use out of them as possible.
7. Christmas lines, as a kid: Waiting in line at the mall FOREVER to see Santa.
As an adult: Waiting in line at the mall FOREVER for a new iPhone or to return a sweater. That’s all you want, why is it so hard?
It might be easier at this point to just gain ten pounds, so the sweater will fit.
8. Christmas morning, as a kid: Is 2:30 a.m. Christmas morning, yet? How about 3:00 a.m.??
Look, if the time has an a.m. in it, it’s technically morning, that’s all I’m saying.
As an adult: I don’t care who is dying, literally nothing is happening until coffee and food happens.
Look, kids: You’re going to be much less mad about all the ugly sweaters you got if you open them up on full tummies.
9. Surprises on Christmas, as a kid: It’s pretty easy to surprise you, since everything is still magical, and you’re too short to reach the present closet.
As an adult: In a post-Santa world (sorry, SPOILERS) surprising you is a goddamned amazing feat.
OOOOH NOOOOOO, Sarah Palin!
As an adult: Funny T-shirts or accessories based on those movies.
Why would anyone get you movies? Those are all streaming on Netflix.
11. Presents you hate, as a kid: Socks, sweaters, and checks (‘cause that ish is going straight into a savings account.)
As an adult: Stuff you don’t need.
I appreciate your dedication to gag giftery, but my savings account/college fund could really use a check.
12. White Christmas, as a child: Snow is critical. If it doesn’t snow, it is a goddamn disaster.
As an adult: Great, now the airport is going to be a post-apocalyptic nightmare.
Or worse, 80 people are coming over and someone just handed you a snow shovel. THANKS SANTA.