1. If it’s curly, and you brush it out, you will look like an enchanted forest where a witch is hiding.
2. There is enough left over in your hairbrush every morning where you could make yourself a very nice sweater, if you wanted to.
3. If you try to brush your hair, there is basically a 50-50 chance that you will lose either the brush or your hair.
Every hair-styling tool you own is like a really bad guest who doesn’t know when to leave. That is basically your life now.
4. And wherever you go, you leave a trail of broken hair brushes behind.
Your brushes are not mane enough for you. They just aren’t.
5. Using a hair dryer is a really good way for you to cause a citywide power shortage.
You usually have to wait to dry your hair until all your roommates and significant others are gone for the day, unless you don’t want them to be your roommates and significant others anymore.
6. You shed so much that you have to buy a pet dander vacuum, because every carpet you have is covered in hair.
You don’t even own a pet. You are basically your own pet.
7. You don’t need a tub stopper, because you carry around a portable drain-clogging device wherever you go, on your head.
It’s your hair. Your hair loves drains. Your hair would just marry drains if it were allowed, which it is not.
8. Your shower walls always look like a crazy person’s artwork.
I call this one, “I can’t afford to call the plumber again today, and this is the only way to keep my hair away from its star-crossed lover, the drain.”
9. You need about a billion curlers, which you can never keep track of, because they are always rolling away from you and getting lost, stuck, or broken, like little round 2-year-olds.
10. Curling irons are a joke. If you used one curling iron to do your entire head, you would be dead before you made it out the door.
At minimum, you would be very late.
11. Getting a haircut is a really easy way to quickly lose 5 pounds.
The hairdresser only took an inch off the bottom, but there’s enough hair on the ground to knit together an entire cat.
12. It’s easy to tell where you’ve been because everywhere you go you leave a trail of worn out hair accessories.
13. If you’re gonna whip your hair, there is a good chance that someone is going to get hurt.
14. You have to use all of your hair care products by the handful. The damn. Handful.
15. You can try to tame it by putting it in a bun… which is too heavy to stay on your head.
This was how you tricked everyone into thinking you were tall enough to ride roller coasters as a kid.
16. Your hair loves to collect things. Like, really REALLY likes to collect anything it comes in contact with.
Frankly, your hair is a little bit of a hoarder. It really needs some help.
17. It is scientifically impossible to not end up with hair all over your food…
18. …and it is mathematically impossible to not end up with food in your hair.
It’s not your fault that your hair is next door neighbors with the part of your body you use to consume food. Every time you eat it’s like you have to clear a path, first.
19. Volumizing products make you look insane. Just literally insane.
Either that, or they don’t stand a damn chance against the weight of your hair.
20. Other people seem to get extensions as frequently as you are giving Locks of Love donations.
How is your body making so much hair? How? Is it outsourcing hair production, or something? Is your scalp running some of sort of illegal hair heist ring? These are the only things that explain where all of this hair could have possibly come from.