1. You naively assume that since Christmas is over, it’s finally OK to go back to the mall.
TO THE CLEARANCE SECTION!
2. When you arrive, there are inexplicably still thousands upon thousands of people there.
WTF? Did I miss something? Did we add an extra Christmas this year?
3. Because apparently everyone on Earth hated their Christmas presents, they have all decided to return them at the same time.
4. The Christmas decorations are still up, and it’s so, so depressing.
You’re not fooling anyone, mall, we know it isn’t Christmas anymore.
5. Finding a parking space is still a nightmare, but the generosity of the Christmas spirit is long forgotten.
Hope you like personal attacks!
6. Parents are no longer Christmas shopping, which means that they’re now free to bring all of their kids along with them.
And because Santa has already come this year, there is no longer much incentive for them to behave.
7. And if people aren’t returning something, then they’re goddamned determined to find a NYE outfit that makes them feel flawless.
8. You’re so desperate to find what you want that terrible clothing items start to look good.
The more I look at this outfit, the more I like that if I buy it, I can leave the mall.
9. Trendy stuff that makes no sense to you suddenly lands in your possession because it’s 75% off.
This is the sweater version of WTF.
10. Like Black Friday, it’s not insane to see two people fight over the last one of something in their size.
Look, this is the only dress that will make my crush fall in love with me at the stroke of midnight on NYE, SO IT’S MINE.
11. When you get to the dressing room, you get a fun reminder of how much weight you have gained during the holidays.
12. Dressing room floors are full of clothes that people have rage quit in the middle of trying them on.
13. You may try to exchange a present that doesn’t fit, only to find that they don’t have it in your size.
Or worse, IS NOT EVEN MADE IN YOUR SIZE, WTF, ORIGINAL PRESENT GIVER.
14. Or you spend a billion years in line to return something at a department store only to be told that what you’re returning was bought AT MARSHALLS.
15. Everyone is desperately searching Best Buy for games for their new game consoles.
Spoiler alert: There aren’t any.
16. You have to spend hours trying to figure out how to spend all the $5 gift cards you have from 8 different stores.
Thanks, every aunt.
17. Because all the grandparents just got a billion new gadgets, the Genius Bar is now crowded with old people trying to figure out how to use them.
18. The clerks are so overwhelmed that there’s a good chance you’ll go home with something that still has the security tag on.
19. Chances are good that the snow you wanted for Christmas finally arrived, so good luck driving through it.
Snow days never happen when you want them to happen.